The Passing Stars
by Stasial
Summary: "It shouldn't have taken Shepard getting nearly beaten death by a Cerberus synthetic to prove her loyalties." AU. The evolution of Shepard and Kaidan's romance in ME3 if their roles on Mars were reversed.
1. Chapter 1

This story was inspired by an _ME3_ mod on Youtube entitled "In which Kaidan kicks Dr. Eva's ass and saves Shepard's". It got me thinking: how would Kaidan's role and his relationship with Shepard develop if she almost died on Mars instead of him? I didn't intend to write a whole fic about it, but the muse doesn't always take no for an answer.

My Shepard's background is Colonist/Ruthless/Vanguard/Renegon. Most of her key decisions and team interactions would be classified as paragon, but her preference for dealing with jerks and bad guys aggressively racked up a lot of renegade points. Although this story is AU, it's firmly rooted in my headcanon for the whole trilogy. Thanks for reading!

* * *

 **Chapter 1**

Stasia Shepard threw herself to the ground as the downed Cerberus shuttle skimmed over her head and crashed several metres away. The impact hurled burning debris in her direction, but she barely felt it through her armour, and a few seconds crawled by before she felt it was safe enough to move. Groaning, she staggered to her feet and dusted herself off, then looked around for Kaidan and Liara.

Kaidan was lying face first on the ground not far from her position _._ Despite all the harsh words between them, or the fact that she had no claim to him anymore, she couldn't help the stab of worry in her chest. She started to reach out to him, but he rolled onto his side and held up a hand to indicate he was okay _._ Shepard turned away to hide her relief and spotted Liara further ahead. She was dazed, but sitting up at least.

Satisfied that her squadmates weren't seriously injured, Shepard looked up at the roar of the Kodiak and waved an arm to direct its descent. The shuttle set down in front of her, and Vega hopped out looking pleased with himself, which settled the question of whether she needed to have a talk with him later _._ She'd meant for him to pursue and disable Dr. Eva's shuttle, not re-enact an action vid by ramming the Kodiak headfirst into it. The crazy stunt had worked, to be fair, but he'd nearly killed himself and the ground team in the process.

"Normandy's en route," said Vega, sounding a little out of breath. "They'll be here soon."

Shepard jabbed her thumb at the smoldering wreck of the Cerberus shuttle. "All right, sit tight while I get the data."

"Yes, Commander."

On her way over, she passed by Kaidan, who had Liara's arm slung over his shoulder to help her walk, and their eyes met. Shepard tried not to let the eye contact last longer than was strictly professional.

When she drew closer to the shuttle, she slowed her steps, wary of any potential hazards or traps. She was about to sidestep some metal fragments in her path when a pounding noise from within the wreckage stopped her dead in her tracks. The pounding increased in volume and frequency, culminating in the doorframe flying off the wall as though it had been punched out _._ It missed Shepard by mere centimetres and landed behind her with a clatter.

A female figure rose from the inferno inside the shuttle, her blue holographic visor a ghostly contrast to the orange of the flames. Shepard's eyes went wide. How the hell was Dr. Eva still alive?

The reason for her inhuman strength, speed and durability became frighteningly clear when Shepard noticed how the fire had burned away her skin and clothes, exposing her true metal form beneath. Shepard had seen how deadly Dr. Eva could be while pursuing her across the Martian facility. She had to keep this bitch away from her squad. From Kaidan.

The synthetic lunged at her.

Shepard whipped out her pistol and opened fire, backing up as she did. Every shot struck her somewhere, yet failed to slow her down. She took one hand off her weapon to use pull, but Dr. Eva twisted her torso at an unnatural angle without breaking her stride, so that the sphere of biotic energy only grazed her shoulder.

Before Shepard could shoot her again, throw up a barrier, or do _something_ , Dr. Eva's arm swept out, backhanding her in the face so hard that her helmet was turned askew. The strike would have knocked her off her feet if a metallic hand didn't catch her by the front of her helmet first.

Hot agony seared through her neck as she felt herself being lifted off her feet, and her pistol slipped out of her grasp. She punched and kicked at Dr. Eva to no avail, and the next thing she knew, she was slammed into a wall with such force that she didn't even have the breath to scream in pain.

Another slam. Something in one or both shoulders—she couldn't tell anymore—snapped. A third slam. She felt her biotic amp cave into its port, and her nose bounced painfully off the inside of her helmet. The sensory overload stripped all sense of reality from her mind, leaving nothing but scattered memories: Mindoir. Torfan. Virmire. Horizon. The friends and family she lost. The people she would lose if the Reapers won.

Kaidan's wistful smile on Earth was the last thing she saw before everything went black.

* * *

Kaidan watched in horror as Dr. Eva seized Shepard by the helmet and smashed her repeatedly into the side of the shuttle.

"Shepard!" he yelled.

Instinct took over as he dropped Liara's arm and ran forward with his own pistol drawn. At his approach, Dr. Eva paused in the act of lifting Shepard for yet another beating, then tossed her aside like a piece of garbage. Time seemed to slow to Kaidan as she charged at him next, and with a clarity born of rage, he aimed at where her heart should be and fired three times.

All bullets hit home, causing her to convulse and tumble backward. The synthetic shouldn't have gone down that easily, but Shepard must have inflicted enough damage beforehand for him to take the finishing shots. Once he was certain she wouldn't be getting back up, he turned his attention to Shepard. She was sprawled on her back in a twisted heap, unmoving.

Panic overrode all rational thought. He raced over to her, remembering at the last moment that the synthetic still held the data, and glanced behind him in mid-run to bark out orders to Vega _._ "Grab that thing! Bring it with us."

Joker's voice blared over the comm. "Shepard, we've got Reaper signatures in orbit!"

"Shepard's down!" said Kaidan as he skidded to a halt beside her, and he heard Joker utter a string of curses under his breath _._ "Get us out of here as soon as we're aboard."

He knelt down and touched her shoulder, checking frantically for any signs of life. Her eyes were closed beneath her cracked visor _,_ but unless he was imagining things, her chest plate rose and fell ever so slightly. It was a thin hope, one that he latched onto for dear life. He couldn't lose her. Not again.

Even with the added weight of her armour, he scooped her up easily in his arms, and a massive shadow loomed over their heads to herald the Normandy's arrival. With the synthetic thrown over his shoulder, Vega reached the ramp first. Liara limped in after him and Kaidan hurried to catch up. During lift-off, Kaidan managed with some difficulty to remove his helmet and Shepard's.

No one spoke on the elevator ride up, and the silence continued into the med bay. Vega dumped Dr. Eva's body on one bed, while Kaidan lowered Shepard gently onto the opposite bed _._ His heart constricted at the bruises marring her features, and he brushed some dark brown strands away from her forehead, not caring how the gesture looked to Vega and Liara.

He stood there transfixed by a sickening sense of déjà vu _._ This was like Eden Prime all over again, but much worse—no Dr. Chakwas to treat Shepard this time; no medical staff, period, because of their hasty departure from Earth. The closest thing to a medic was himself or Liara, but their first aid training was inadequate for injuries of this magnitude.

He became aware of Liara calling his name, but she sounded oddly distant to his ears. Finally, she bent down and pushed her face right up to his _._

"Kaidan!" she said in a louder voice. Reluctantly, he tore his gaze away from Shepard to look at her. "We'll take her to the Citadel. We can get help there."

He nodded, not trusting himself to speak yet. He also realized that as the highest-ranking officer on board, command of the Normandy fell to him in Shepard's absence. So, as much as he wanted to, he couldn't afford to linger at her side.

Drawing on years of practice, he shoved his personal feelings behind the mask of professionalism the brass often praised him for. For now, nothing mattered except the mission. Regarding the synthetic, he instructed Liara, "See what you can learn from that thing."

"I will assist Dr. T'Soni in this endeavour," said a melodious voice.

Kaidan jumped and looked around. Other than Shepard, Liara and Vega, he didn't see anyone one else in the med bay. "Who said that?"

"I am EDI, the artificial intelligence on this vessel."

"An AI?" Since when did Shepard allow one of those on her ship? Vega's confused expression mirrored his own, but Liara didn't look surprised.

"Jeff felt it was best if as few people as possible knew of my presence on the Normandy. I posed as a VI for those who dealt with my systems directly. I apologize for the deception."

"It… it's fine." It wasn't really, but there were more pressing issues. "Joker, set course for the Citadel."

"Roger that," came Joker's reply over the intercom.

"Major, I'm receiving a signal over the secondary QEC," said EDI. "I believe it's Admiral Hackett."

His stomach dropped. That was a conversation he dreaded having given the outcome of the mission.

"Patch it to the comm room," he said, and strolled out of the med bay without another word.

Finding the comm room took longer than planned, as he wasn't familiar with the SR2's layout yet. After getting off the elevator on the CIC, he almost walked right back in expecting the room to be there like it was on the SR1. He tried the door next to the elevator that wasn't obstructed by cargo, and breezed through the winding corridor until it ended at a tech lab. In the very back was the comm room.

Hackett's hologram kept flickering in and out on the projector, the audio quality so degraded that Kaidan barely understood his words.

"Shepard, are you reading me? Commander?"

"I will attempt to clear up the connection," said EDI.

Kaidan suppressed a wince. It was going to take a while for him to get used to having an AI around. Admittedly, the ease and speed in which EDI filtered the signal was already one point in her favour _._ Hackett's hologram stabilized, and Kaidan stood a little straighter.

"Admiral."

"Major Alenko? Where's the commander?"

"We got to the Archives, but so did Cerberus. We had to fight our way through them and the commander... got the worst of it," Kaidan informed him grimly.

"I see." Hackett cast his eyes down, probably the closest Kaidan ever saw to an emotional display from the otherwise stoic admiral. He was all business again within seconds, though, bringing one hand up to his chin and crossing the other over his midsection. "I was worried Cerberus might try something. Did you get the data?"

"Most of it." Kaidan gritted his teeth. "The Illusive Man downloaded some before we could stop him. EDI and Liara are analyzing what we've recovered."

Right on cue, Liara entered the comm room and took her place next to Kaidan.

"What have you learned?" asked Hackett. "Was it worth the effort?"

 _It damn well better be_ , thought Kaidan. He only half-listened to Liara's answer to Hackett, since he already knew what the blueprints were for. His thoughts kept drifting to Shepard lying unconscious in the med bay below, but he forced them back in line when Hackett re-addressed him.

"Alenko, you were part of the crew that faced Sovereign. You were there when the Reapers hit Earth; you know what we're up against. Talk to the Council, show them what you've found. With luck, they'll give you all the support you'll need. _"_

"Yes sir," said Kaidan, though he doubted securing the Council's help would be that simple.

"And Major," said Hackett abruptly. "Try to keep Shepard's condition quiet as long as you can. Regardless of what's been said about her in the past, she's a hero in this war. If word gets out that she's out of commission, it could be a serious blow to morale."

Kaidan couldn't agree more. Without Shepard to hold them together, the crew of the first Normandy had drifted apart two years ago. Without her to rally the galaxy, the disparate races would never set aside their differences long enough to unite against the Reapers. And that wasn't including how much she meant to him personally.

He gave his sharpest salute. "Understood."

Hackett returned the salute. "I'll be in touch soon. Hackett out."

The projector powered down. No longer obliged to appear the strong major before Hackett or the crew, Kaidan plodded to the cylindrical structure in the centre of the tech lab and sagged against the console. Without anything else to distract him, the day's events cycled through his mind unchecked.

The Archives had provided both a Prothean device and a face to the organization he hated so much. If anyone deserved to have his neck snapped with a biotic kick, it was the Illusive Man. Kaidan didn't understand how he could claim to act in humanity's best interests, yet commit atrocities like the ones on Mars—all against his fellow humans. Murderous asshole. Even Shepard had been just another tool for him to discard once she outlived her usefulness.

It shouldn't have taken Shepard getting nearly beaten to death by a Cerberus synthetic to prove her loyalties. She was never with Cerberus; she told him so all along, but he didn't listen. How could he have been so stupid? Why did he waste so much time on pointless fights and accusations? Part of it was that any mention of Cerberus always triggered knee-jerk anger in him, robbing him of all objectivity, but crippling fear was the main reason—fear that Shepard wasn't the same woman he fell in love with, fear that her miraculous return was too good to be true.

Kaidan forgot Liara was still there until she said softly, "Major, EDI is extracting the data from the Cerberus machine. We'll have details to present to the Council by the time we reach the Citadel."

"First good news we've had all day," he muttered. "How is she?"

Liara didn't have to ask whom he was referring to. "I've done what I can for Shepard, but we need to get her to a medical facility soon."

Not the most comforting answer, but he would take it. He thought Liara would leave him alone after this, but she showed no signs of budging. "Is there something else?"

She fidgeted, and Kaidan frowned. Whatever Liara had to say couldn't be good if she was this nervous. When she opened her mouth, everything spilled out in a rush. "I'm sorry, Kaidan. I should have told you sooner that I was the one who gave Shepard's body to Cerberus. When they said they might be able to bring her back, I had to let them try."

Liara was tense as though bracing herself for an explosion. If she had revealed this at any other time, Kaidan might have reacted with the outrage she anticipated. Now, just like everything else related to Shepard's temporary alliance with Cerberus, it didn't seem important anymore _._

Her choice of words didn't escape his notice. She'd handed Cerberus a _body_. He used to think "clinically dead" had been Shepard's strange, roundabout way of saying she'd faked her death or been on life support. It hadn't occurred to him to take her explanation literally because resurrection was supposed to be impossible—or not, according to a growing list of people. He hadn't spoken to Liara in years, but he'd never known her to invent wild stories.

"Then it's true?" he asked dully. "They really brought her back from the dead?"

"Yes."

Kaidan shut his eyes and bowed his head, guilt tearing at his insides. As crazy as the notion sounded, he believed her. He believed Shepard. He shuddered as he recalled Joker's disjointed description of the explosion hurling her away from the escape pod and into the depths of space, where two equally gruesome fates had awaited her: suffocation or burning up in Alchera's atmosphere. If _he_ was struggling to process it, he could only imagine how Shepard must have felt experiencing it.

"Why didn't you tell me? Or the rest of the team?" he said without opening his eyes.

"I didn't want to get anyone's hopes up. If it didn't work, no one would ever know except me. And I was afraid you would try to stop me."

He hauled himself up from the console, ready to argue, then thought better of it. "You're right, I would have," he conceded.

"I thought about telling you after I heard Shepard was awake and fighting the Collectors, but I wasn't sure if you would listen after what happened on Horizon."

"You know about that?"

"I... have my sources."

Kaidan decided to inquire about the nature of her sources later. The important thing was that Liara came clean with him and clarified what happened to Shepard after the first Normandy's destruction. Everybody had coped with her death differently—his method had been to throw himself into his work and shut out everything else, and Liara's had been to help Shepard cheat death. While he would never agree with her actions, he understood them.

"Thanks, Liara," said Kaidan, and he meant it. "I know it couldn't have been easy turning to Cerberus for help, or telling me that you did."

Nor could it have been easy for Shepard to work with Cerberus, because no one else would help her fight the Collectors and their masters. Today, she'd come close to paying for that lack of support with her life.

They couldn't get to the Citadel fast enough.

* * *

A team of medics rushed down the corridor carrying Shepard on a stretcher. Kaidan jogged to keep up with them, with Liara and Vega trailing close behind.

"Barely got a pulse here," a human medic called out.

"Move her out," said the turian medic at the rear.

"Where are you taking her?" demanded Kaidan.

The turian spared him a glance over his shoulder. "Huerta Memorial. Best care on the Citadel."

The medics picked up speed and crowded into the elevator up ahead. Kaidan stopped running and stared at the top of Shepard's head, the only part of her visible to him before the doors slid shut.

True to Hackett's orders, he hadn't mentioned Shepard by name when he told traffic control that they needed emergency medical care for an Alliance soldier. Although her facial bruising made her almost unrecognizable, the doctors would be able to identify her eventually.

Vega tilted his head. "We're not going with?"

"We need to see the Council," Liara reminded him.

"Right."

Kaidan scanned his surroundings for a cab, but maybe it wouldn't be necessary. A blonde man in a C-Sec uniform was heading toward them.

"Looks like they might be coming to see you," Vega remarked.

"Commander Bailey, C-Sec." The middle-aged man spoke with a distinctive twang, and he shook hands with Kaidan. "Got word that you might be arriving."

"Are you here to bring us to the Council?" Kaidan asked.

"I'm here to tell you the Council is expecting you, but they are dealing with their own problems, with the war and everything," said Bailey wearily. "They apologize for the inconvenience and send blah, blah, blah." He showed them a set of coordinates on his omni-tool. "Meet them here at Udina's office. They'll be ready soon enough."

"Okay," said Kaidan.

"You might have time to go by the medical centre if you want to check on the commander's progress over there."

Kaidan blinked at the casual mention of Shepard.

"I never said—" he began, but Bailey raised a hand to interrupt him.

"When she didn't come out leading the cavalry herself, I figured she was the patient."

"Oh." He didn't know what else to say to that.

"Good soldier, the commander," continued Bailey. "She's a big help around here whenever she stops by. Hope she pulls through."

"So do we," said Liara, and she gave Kaidan an encouraging smile. "You go on ahead. I'll head up to Udina's office."

"One of my men can show you the way," said Bailey. As Liara made her way to the elevator, he turned to Vega. "You?"

"Uh, I'm just a tourist today. I'll try not to get in any trouble."

Bailey eyed him sceptically, and Kaidan wondered if his suspicion was justified. Kaidan didn't know James Vega that well; just that he'd been assigned to guard Shepard during her six-month detention in Vancouver, though crashing his shuttle on Mars had certainly made an impression. The responsible thing would have been to take Vega with him, but he chose to let him wander off to the lobby instead. Truthfully, Kaidan wanted to be alone with Shepard anyway.

If Bailey had anything else to add, it was cut off by a call on his comm. He touched his ear, listened to whoever was on the line, and sighed. "I'll be right there." To Kaidan, he said, "Got a job to get back to. I'll see you around."

With his departure, Kaidan was the last person left in the corridor.

Everyone, including the C-Sec officer he met a few minutes ago, was fine with him going to Shepard even though he never expressed the desire aloud. He didn't stop to think about the implications. All he cared about was taking advantage of this opportunity, especially since he might not get another for a while.

He strode into the elevator and tapped the button for Huerta Memorial.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

As far as hospitals went, Huerta Memorial lived up to its reputation as one of the best in the galaxy, hosting the foremost doctors and latest medical technology in a facility almost as fancy as the Citadel Tower. Unlike hospitals on Earth, Huerta's interior wasn't stark white; the walls and floor were varying shades of black, silver and blue, creating a sleek appearance without feeling too cold and sterile. Furthermore, daylight poured into every room through wall-sized windows that opened to spectacular views of the Presidium below.

Kaidan was in no mood to admire the scenery. As soon as he got off the elevator, he walked straight to reception, with barely a glance at the window on the other side.

"Excuse me," he said, and the asari receptionist looked up from her terminal. "There was an Alliance soldier brought here not too long ago. Can I get an update on her status?"

The receptionist typed a few lines and a window popped up on her screen with the information he requested. Instead of relaying it to him, however, she said, "May I ask how you know the patient?"

It was a reasonable but loaded question. What was the most accurate label for his complicated relationship with Shepard? Former lover who still cared about her? Friend? But he wasn't sure about Shepard's feelings toward him, romantic or not, so both could be presumptuous on his part. In the end, he kept it simple. "We serve on the same squad."

Evidently, it was good enough for the receptionist. "It says here that she's still in surgery." She offered him a polite smile and pointed at the chairs in the centre of the lobby. "You're welcome to wait until a doctor gives the all-clear for visitors."

"I'll do that."

Seeing as they were more comfortable than the chairs, he took a seat in one of the red corner sofas. From his vantage point, Kaidan saw no more than a handful of people milling about even though an entire crowd could have fit in the lobby. A few doctors bustled in and out of the doors leading into the main section of the hospital, and patients with non-life-threatening ailments lounged in the various seats available, waiting for their appointments.

For the next two hours, Kaidan alternated between wringing his hands while seated and pacing large circles around the waiting area. The extra movement helped alleviate his anxiety at first, but it spiked to unbearable levels in the second hour, as he kept expecting to be called away at any minute to meet with the Council. Bailey hadn't been exaggerating when he said the Council was busy, but Kaidan wasn't going to complain if it meant a chance to see Shepard. He could wait all day, if that was what it took.

He sat down on the red sofa for the nth time and hunched over with his elbows resting on his knees. He was contemplating another lap around the lobby when he picked up on footsteps coming toward him, and a familiar voice greeted him.

"Hello, Kaidan."

An elderly woman in a red and white doctor's uniform stood before him. Although it had been two years since he'd seen her, she looked more or less the same. Her gray hair was cut in a chin-length bob, and her green eyes sparkled with an astuteness honed from decades of service in the Alliance.

Kaidan clambered to his feet at once. "Dr. Chakwas! It's been a while."

"Indeed," she smiled. "I heard about your promotion. Congratulations."

"Thanks. Are you stationed here at the hospital?" The last he checked, Chakwas had joined Shepard to stop the Collectors, but he'd lost track of her whereabouts after that.

Chakwas shook her head. "I'm working at an Alliance R&D lab down in Shalta Ward coordinating closely with Admiral Hackett. I heard you escaped Earth in the Normandy and that someone was critically injured. I came as soon as I could."

"We had a run-in with a synthetic on Mars." He lowered his voice, although no one else was within earshot. "So you know that the person who got hurt is...?"

"Yes, I knew it was the commander when I examined her." The rest of the medical staff probably knew too, then. He'd have to trust them to be discreet for the duration of Shepard's stay.

"I'm glad you're here, Doc. You know Shepard's medical history better than anyone in the Alliance."

"True enough," said Chakwas, her tone a mix of affection and exasperation, but she sobered quickly. "I wish I could have been there to help on Mars."

"Far as I'm concerned, you always have a place on the Normandy. That is, if you're interested."

It wasn't even a question to her. "Of course. You say the word and I'm with you."

"All right," said Kaidan, heartened to be working with more of the old crew again. "Meet us at Docking Bay D24 when you're ready."

"Yes, Major, and thank you. I take it Joker is still at the helm?"

"Who else?" smirked Kaidan. He couldn't imagine the ship without the sarcastic pilot either.

Chakwas let out a long-suffering sigh. "And I'll be surprised if he's been remembering to take his medication." She took a tentative step toward the exit. "We'll talk later, Kaidan. If you would like more details on the commander's condition, Dr. Michel can be of assistance."

She indicated a red-haired woman chatting with a lab technician in the opposite corner. Her face and name stirred something in his memory, and he was able to place her by the time he walked over to her.

"Dr. Michel?" he said, and the technician slipped away to give them some privacy. "I don't know if you remember me, but we met once when you used to work in a clinic down in the Wards."

"Oh, yes!" she exclaimed. "You were with Commander Shepard when she dealt Fist and his thugs."

"Yeah, I was." Kaidan remembered that occasion well. He and Wrex had accompanied Shepard in storming Chora's Den, ploughing through a krogan bouncer and waves of thugs to reach Fist in the back room. If Shepard hadn't shot Fist first, Wrex would have been next in line.

"Are you here to see the commander?"

"If it's okay with you." Michel's nod told him that it was. "How's she doing?"

"Better than we anticipated. Without her cybernetic enhancements, her injuries would have been much more serious. The head trauma was the worst of it, but we reduced the swelling quickly ** _._** Cases like these can go either way, but her vitals are strong, so I'm optimistic."

On hearing Michel's prognosis, Kaidan exhaled much of the nervous energy that had piled up in his gut since Mars. After dying, the next thing he'd been stressed about was brain damage. Other minds were ravaged by head trauma less severe than hers, but Shepard _had_ shrugged off worse things before, like death, without losing her cognitive abilities. And the doctors who worked on her case were to be commended as well.

"Good work, Doctor," said Kaidan, and Michel blushed from the praise.

"She hasn't regained consciousness yet, but you can go see her if you like. She's just down the hall."

Kaidan took his leave and passed through the main doors, advancing until he glimpsed a dark-haired woman through the vertical windows on either side of a door to his right. The readout that normally displayed the patient's name was blank.

He took deep breath before entering, but nothing could prepare him for a full view of a battered, bedridden Shepard. She lay with her head turned to the window, her arms on top of blankets pulled up to her stomach. In addition to the black and blue blotches on her face, the white t-shirt she wore exposed another set creeping down her neck and arms. She looked small, diminished—a far cry from the powerful commander he was used to following into battle.

Slowly, Kaidan approached the bed. "Shepard?"

No response, though a small part of him was hoping she might wake up during his visit.

 _She's fine_ , he reminded himself. _Just needs a few weeks of bed rest **.**_ Still, seeing her in this state hurt like hell. The doctor's positive assessment didn't change the fact that even with meds pumping through her system, Shepard would be in a lot of pain when she woke up. As long as there was a war to fight, she'd chafe at being cooped up in a hospital. Knowing her, she'd leap into action before she fully recovered, indifferent to the risk of injuring herself more in the long run.

"After Mars and everything, I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to throw me out," Kaidan found himself saying aloud. His words fell on unconscious ears, but it was a liberating to get them off his chest. "But I hope you won't, and we'll have a chance to talk."

He picked up Shepard's hand and held it between both of his.

"You're not going to die," he said with conviction. "You're going to get better because the galaxy needs you. _I_ need you. As a friend… as more than a friend… it's up to you _._ Maybe you and me will never happen, but one thing's for sure. I like having you in my life, and I'm sorry I wasn't there for you sooner." His voice broke near the end, but he couldn't stop yet. There was one last thing that he should have told her long ago.

"I believe in you, Shepard."

A moment later, a male doctor holding a datapad entered the room. Kaidan hastily let go of Shepard's hand and wiped the excess emotion from his face.

"Let me know if anything changes," he said to the doctor.

As Kaidan turned to go, his omni-tool beeped. He switched it on, and a message from Liara popped up. The Council was ready to meet them.

He snatched one last look at Shepard before striding out of the room.

* * *

The meeting was a wasted effort, to put it nicely.

He knew from watching Shepard in past sessions that trying to gain the Council's support was like trying to convince a krogan that the genophage was a great idea. Against his usual nature, he'd have to cajole, argue, spell out every little detail—whatever it took to get them on board. He was right to assume trouble. When Kaidan marched into the chamber, the meeting was already in session and off to a rocky start, with the councillors expressing scepticism that Earth had been attacked at all.

"Earth _was_ attacked by the Reapers, and the rest of the galaxy is next," he said calmly. He went on to describe how the Reapers had decimated the Alliance fleets and laid waste to his home city, and how Anderson had stayed behind to lead the resistance. Earth needed reinforcements, but he hinted that the Council should unite their forces for their own sakes too.

Valern glared down at him from the raised platform he and his colleagues occupied. "Why isn't Commander Shepard telling us this herself? Did she not leave Earth with you?"

"Commander Shepard," said Kaidan with great patience, "almost died getting some critical information that could help us defeat the Reapers. Believe me, she would be here if she could."

Valern sniffed, as if he thought Shepard had no business getting wounded before a Council meeting.

Kaidan looked to Liara, who activated the blueprints for the Prothean device from her omni-tool _._ When the councillors pressed for more information, he and Liara provided it easily: the device was relatively simple in design; the Protheans didn't use it because they were missing the Catalyst; remnants of the human fleets were building it as they spoke, but construction would speed up if every species pooled their resources together. Kaidan had hoped, perhaps naively, that backing up their plea for help with this plan would be enough to sway them.

The three alien councillors exchanged glances, and a silent agreement seemed to pass between them.

Tevos was the one to announce their consensus. "The cruel and unfortunate truth is that while the Reapers focus on Earth, we can prepare and regroup."

"We are convening a summit amongst our species. If we can manage to secure our own borders, we may once again consider aiding you," said Valern.

"I'm sorry, Major," said Tevos gently. "That is the best we can do."

They filed off the platform, leaving Udina the sole councillor in the room. He was holding a palm to his face, and Kaidan felt like doing the same. He'd steeled himself for a token fleet at best. The actual result was far worse than he predicted.

Now, he stood with his arms crossed in Udina's office as he listened to him rant about those "bunch of self-centered jackasses" and their subpar treatment of humanity. Kaidan didn't exactly like the man, but for once he agreed with Udina on certain points.

The Council's blindness, for example, was the first thing he'd observed about them back in his days as a staff lieutenant. For a group tasked with leading galactic civilization, they failed to grasp the big picture on a regular basis _._ No matter how blatant the evidence, they had denied over and over that the Reapers were real. Then, when forced to accept their existence, they refused to take action beyond their own borders. A little self-preservation was understandable, but how could they not see that focusing on themselves made it easier for the Reapers to pick them off one by one?

Though, he didn't think their attitude toward humans was personal. They treated any species that wasn't turian, asari or salarian with equal indifference. It wasn't as if they listened to individuals from their own species either, since Liara was no more successful than him at persuading them to aid Earth.

"Our people are scared, and we are looking out for them the best we know how," Sparatus chimed in.

Kaidan and Udina spun around in surprise. Neither of them had noticed the turian councillor's entrance.

"Councillor," gasped Udina, embarrassed that Sparatus might have overheard his less flattering comments.

Sparatus ignored him and focused on Kaidan. "I can't give you what you need, but I can tell you how to get it."

"Let's hear it," said Kaidan cautiously.

"Primarch Fedorian called the war summit, but we lost contact with him when the Reapers hit Palaven. Those meetings won't proceed without him. The Normandy is one of the few ships that can extract the primarch undetected."

"With all due respect, Shepard warned you this would happen."

Sparatus bristled. "We can argue the past later if you like, but the leaders of this summit will be the ones deciding our future; the fate of our fleets, where they fight and with whom. A grateful primarch would be a tremendous ally in your bid to unite us."

A logical plan, but Kaidan was no politician. "Will a 'grateful primarch' listen to someone from the Alliance?"

"Most likely, but I can't guarantee it." Sparatus gave Udina a sidelong look.

"Which is why you won't be just Alliance. You will also represent the Council in this matter."

Kaidan stared at them as the implications of Udina's statement sank in. "Councillors, are you suggesting...?"

"We've had our eye on you as a Spectre candidate for quite some time," said Udina, as if Kaidan hadn't spoken. "The galaxy has need of exceptional soldiers like you. Now, more than ever."

"I'm honoured," said Kaidan, but his head spun from the mental image of himself as a Spectre.

Granted, he wasn't so modest that he didn't recognize his strengths. He knew he was a good soldier, one of the strongest human biotics and, as he discovered a few months ago, a decent teacher. But he also had a healthy respect for the law, and that fact alone should have disqualified him. Spectres were supposed to be ruthless and willing—eager, even—to work above the law to get the job done.

"Should you accept this position, various sources will be made available to you," said Sparatus.

"Yes, and it would be nice to have a human Spectre who isn't a political nightmare like Shepard," Udina mused.

Kaidan narrowed his eyes, a new suspicion clicking in place. During Shepard's detainment, his superiors had denied his every request to visit her. They'd babbled excuses about keeping his career clean, that he shouldn't be seen associating with a disgraced soldier and potential war criminal. Was it because of Udina's offer? To what end? If Udina thought he was going to be his personal Spectre puppet, he was sadly mistaken.

"Well?" said Udina after a lengthy pause. "We need an answer, Alenko. Are we sending in the Alliance or a Spectre?"

Things were moving too fast for Kaidan's liking. "I need some time to think about it."

"We don't have the luxury of time. We must gain the primarch's good will by any means necessary. The fate of humanity depends on it!"

Judging from his fervent expression, Udina wasn't going to let him leave his office until he gave the answer he wanted. The circumstances of his candidacy bothered Kaidan, and he wished he could ask Shepard for her opinion.

On the other hand, Udina did have a point. Billions of lives hung in the balance, so he couldn't afford to wallow in self-doubt. If his and Shepard's roles were reversed, she wouldn't hesitate to accept the responsibility. She'd wrestle it to the ground and make it work for her, and go on rallying the galaxy without him.

Kaidan squared his shoulders and met Udina and Sparatus' expectant gazes.

"Okay, Councillors. You've got yourselves a Spectre."

* * *

The Spectre ceremony was more like an extended Council meeting than an actual ceremony. Udina and Sparatus insisted Kaidan return to the chamber immediately, leaving him no time to change into a dress uniform or his armour. A sense of urgency permeated throughout the entire ritual; he swore to protect the Council and uphold its tenets, but its members administered the oath with rushed intonations.

As someone who never cared much for public spectacle anyway, Kaidan wasn't too disappointed. With the Council's crunched schedule and emergency on Palaven, he was lucky to be getting a ceremony of any kind. Vega and Liara watched from the sidelines, for which he was grateful, but he regretted that Shepard and his parents couldn't be in the audience too.

Thinking about his parents set off a pang of heartache. They had been on a shuttle en route to their orchard in the BC Interior when the Reapers hit Vancouver. In all likelihood, they'd dodged the attack and taken shelter at the orchard, but he had no way of knowing for sure. Communications on Earth were down, and he couldn't fly back on a whim to check on them. He prayed his father's military training was sufficient to keep them alive until he brought help from the other species—all the more reason to rescue the primarch.

They would be proud of him; he was certain of that. His mother would have showered him with hugs and kisses, as she did for every promotion over the years. His father was Alliance through and through, yet understood the Spectres' importance in galactic affairs. He wasn't the sentimental type, but when prompted by friends and colleagues, he could go on for hours about his son's accomplishments.

Kaidan didn't feel so accomplished about taking command of the best ship in the human fleet. Any other vessel, he could allow himself a sliver of pride, but he always thought of the Normandy as Shepard's ship _._ Necessity, not merit, was the reason why he was standing behind Joker in the cockpit, about to give a speech to the crew before departing for Palaven.

He tried to include elements that inspired him when he was on the receiving end of such speeches. Whether or not he succeeded remained to be seen.

"Attention everyone. This is Major Alenko speaking. As some of you know, Commander Shepard was injured in the line of duty on Mars. Per Admiral Hackett's orders, I will be filling in as commanding officer of this ship until she recovers." He paused to let this sink in for those who were unaware before. "The commander would be as pleased I am to work with this crew, because all of you are the best the Alliance has to offer. The Council may have assigned this mission, but we are fighting for our friends, family, loved ones, and all the people left behind on Earth. Alenko out."

The intercom clicked off, and Joker swivelled in his chair to shoot him a grin. "Not bad for your first big speech. Do a few more and maybe you'll be half as good as Shepard," he drawled.

"Don't get used to it, Joker."

Rather than reply with a wisecrack, as Kaidan thought he would, Joker eyed him shrewdly before spinning around to face the front. "Hey, don't worry about Shepard," he said as he began pulling up panels on his console. "She'll pull through. Always does."

"Yeah," said Kaidan, more to close the subject than because he actually agreed.

Joker, Chakwas and Michel—they were all confident about Shepard's recovery. As the docking clamps unlocked, Kaidan reflected that his negative mindset wasn't doing him any favours and he would do well to share their faith, if only so he could get through the mission in one piece.

 _I'll be back, Shepard. I promise._


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

No matter how hard Shepard pushed herself, she couldn't go any faster than a jog. Her movements were buoyant and sluggish, like she was fighting the weaker gravity of Earth's moon. For some reason, her inability to run properly didn't concern her as much as it should have. Likewise, she didn't think to question what planet she was on, or how she got there.

Thickets of leafless skeletal trees closed in on her from every side, mist slithered around her ankles, and the wind sounded eerily like all the soldiers she ever lost under her command whispering as one. Shepard thought she was alone in this alien forest until she spotted a small figure crouched in the clearing up ahead. Moonlight bathed him in an icy glow, highlighting his white hoodie and blue jeans.

The little boy who used to play outside her quarters on Earth? It couldn't be; she saw the Reapers shoot his shuttle down. She shouldn't walk away without checking, though. If it turned out the boy survived somehow, it was her job to get him someplace safe and reunite him with his family.

The boy had his back to her the whole time, yet when she arrived at the edge of the clearing, he jumped to his feet and fled _._ He darted between trees, causing her to lose track of him. As Shepard jogged in the general direction of where she last saw him, a speck of white dashed out from behind one of the broader trees. But the figure was suddenly taller, more feminine in shape. The white wasn't from a hoodie anymore; it came from Phoenix armour accented with pink.

A horrible suspicion dawned on Shepard right before the person stopped running and turned to look at her.

"Ashley?" she whispered.

Ashley's eyes lacked the warmth that they held in life. They were chilly and unforgiving, as if to silently accuse her of letting her die on Virmire _._ Under her glare, Shepard forgot her willingness to make the tough choices and live with them. That Ashley had known the stakes and accepted her own death with dignity was irrelevant as she extended a hand to her, desperate to explain that she'd wanted to save everyone that day.

Before she could get a word out, Ashley's body burst into flames. A yell jammed in Shepard's throat, but Ashley didn't flinch or show any signs of pain as her flesh and armour sizzled and melted. When the fire extinguished itself, Dr. Eva's synthetic form stood in Ashley's place.

Shepard reached for her pistol, only to find it missing from her waist. In the precious seconds she wasted grasping over her shoulder for another weapon and finding none, Dr. Eva crossed the distance between them. Shepard threw her arms up over her face, prepared to absorb the impact of a metal body ramming into hers, when something odd happened.

Dr. Eva went through her like a ghost.

Baffled, Shepard turned around. The synthetic ran at someone else further back—a man in blue armour whose face was concealed by his helmet. Kaidan. He shot Dr. Eva several times, but just like before, the bullets didn't faze her. She slapped the gun out of his hands, grabbed him by the helmet and hoisted him in the air.

"No!" screamed Shepard.

Her muscles strained from the effort of trying to break into a sprint, and at last she realized the danger of her hindered pace. She leaned forward for a biotic charge, staring at her hands when the usual blue aura failed to envelope her body _._ Her biotics were broken too?

The mechanical screech of a Reaper rumbled in the clouds, and Shepard froze as if caught in a stasis field. In her current state, she was no match for a low-level grunt, let alone a Reaper. A beam of red energy as wide as a column raked through the forest, obliterating everything in its path, including Kaidan and Dr. Eva. It hurried to meet Shepard, who scurried back knowing she could never outrun it.

* * *

Blinding light continued to bombard her vision _._ Her arms flailed out in a useless attempt to bat the brightness away as waves of pain rolled through her pupils and skull. Something solid moved in front, blocking the light, and a pair of hands latched onto her wrists.

"Commander! It's all right. Take it easy," a woman's voice soothed.

The hands released her wrists, and Shepard blinked the fog out of her eyes. The last vestiges of her dream gripped her senses, but she was conscious enough to know that the red-haired woman inspecting her vitals was real.

"Dr. Michel," she croaked.

"Commander, I'm glad to see you're awake. You're in Huerta Memorial on the Citadel."

Shepard inspected her surroundings. She was reclining in a medical bed, and her armour had been exchanged for a white t-shirt and pants. The light from earlier belonged to an overhead lamp, now switched off to spare her any headaches, and white towers outside the window confirmed she was on the Citadel. The Presidium's main lights were dimmed to simulate night, an effect bolstered by the Milky Way splashed across the glass that served as both a ceiling and sky.

"You've come a long way from that small clinic down in the Wards," said Shepard, impressed.

"It's because of you that I have this chance," said Michel, smiling.

"How long was I out?"

"It's been eleven hours since you were brought here."

Factoring in the travel time between Mars and the Citadel, she'd been out cold for more than half a day. Alarmed, Shepard struggled to push herself up with her elbows _._ What happened with the mission on Mars? Was her team safe?

Sensing Shepard's intentions, Michel leaned in to intercept her. "I don't recommend getting up yet."

"But the data... my crew," she mumbled. Her torso throbbed when she sat up all the way, and a hiss escaped her lips _._ "Shit."

Michel carefully pushed her back down onto the bed. "Your crew is fine. Major Alenko came by earlier, in fact."

Shepard's heart skipped a beat. "Kaidan was here?"

"He was very worried about you. He didn't say it, but I could tell."

Her heartbeat sped up. _Get a grip,_ Shepard told herself. Any soldier would check up on a comrade, especially one as wounded as her. Besides, she had more important things to do than over-analyze Kaidan's reasons for visiting.

She tried to sit up again.

"Commander, please," said Michel, touching her right shoulder to stop her. "You'll aggravate your injuries. It's bad enough that we had to take your biotics offline."

Shepard's fingers leaped to the base of her neck and felt a swath of bandages covering her amp port. "Why? What's wrong?"

"It's only temporary. You'll be able to use them in a couple of weeks. Maybe less, if you're lucky," Michel assured her _._

"Oh, good. Wouldn't want those months of learning nova to go to waste," joked Shepard weakly. "What else am I dealing with?"

The doctor's explanation was loaded with medical terminology that flew over Shepard's head, but she got the gist of it: brain swelling, implant displaced, amp port in need of repairs, left shoulder broken, bruised ribs and contusions galore _._ As dire as the list was, none of the damage was permanent, thankfully.

"Your cybernetics will speed up the healing process, but you need three weeks minimum of bed rest. Four, to be on the safe side," said Michel in conclusion.

"I can't stay in bed that long when there's a war going on," she protested.

"You may be enhanced, but you are still human," said Michel sternly. "Three weeks, Commander. Doctor's orders."

Frustrated, Shepard threw her head back against the pillows. In truth she couldn't recall ever feeling as battered as she did now. Over the course of her military career, she'd been shot, punched, strangled, fallen from great heights, tossed around with biotics and had her brain fried by a Prothean beacon. To top it off, she'd suffocated to death. Yet strangely, she'd never taken a straight up beating before, and she didn't care to experience another.

What was next? Getting blasted by a Reaper beam?

* * *

Palaven was burning.

The ruined sphere loomed large and mocking in the sky, so it was always lurking in the corner of Kaidan's eye as he, Liara, and Vega sprinted back to the military camp. They were on Menae, Palaven's largest moon, and it fared no better than its host planet. Gunfire and shouting echoed from the barricade on the opposite of the camp, and a Reaper could be seen firing at will in the distance. The most disturbing part was that Primarch Fedorian—the objective of their mission—was dead. One hour prior to the Normandy's arrival, his shuttle had been shot down during its attempt to escape the moon.

To complicate matters, General Corinthus had informed Kaidan that the comm tower was down and swarming with husks. Until it was fixed, the general couldn't contact his superiors to find out who was next in line to be primarch. Without hesitation, Kaidan had raced headlong into no man's land to do the repairs himself while Liara and Vega kept the husks off his back. The repairs completed, they returned to the camp to find Corinthus connected to Palaven Command on his terminal.

Kaidan walked up to him. "Got anything, General?"

"The line of succession is usually simple, but right now the Hierarchy is in chaos—so many dead or MIA," said Corinthus with a shake of his head.

"Name someone, I don't care who. I'm not leaving this moon without them," Kaidan growled.

A turian armed with an assault rifle walked up the stairs to join them in the command centre. "I'm on it. I'll get you the primarch."

He did a double take. "Garrus?"

"Kaidan." Garrus' inflection was polite, if somewhat chilly.

Corinthus snapped to attention. "Vakarian, sir. I didn't see you arrive."

"At ease, General," said Garrus, and Corinthus went back to typing on his terminal.

"I didn't think we'd run into you here," said Kaidan, for lack of another reply.

"If we lose this moon, we lose Palaven. I'm the closest damn thing to an expert on Reaper forces, so I'm… advising."

Once, Kaidan might have commented on the irony of Garrus taking an authoritative position worthy of a general's salute. Garrus, in turn, might have thrown in a sardonic, self-deprecating remark of his own. But Kaidan discerned that Garrus wouldn't appreciate any good-natured ribbing from him this time, and understandably so. Shepard wasn't the only person he'd alienated that day on Horizon.

Instead, he introduced his former comrade and Vega to each other. The two men shook hands, and Garrus' attitude warmed noticeably when he spoke to Liara next.

Toward Kaidan, he reverted back to neutral mode. "I'm guessing you came in the Normandy?" asked Garrus.

"You guessed right."

Garrus looked up even though the ship wasn't visible from their location. "Bit strange to have it without Shepard in the lead."

"That's because she's not here." Kaidan wondered how many more times he'd have to repeat the story about the synthetic.

"What happened?" Something else besides surprise coloured Garrus' voice; something that begged for a conversation that Kaidan wasn't comfortable having in front of the general, or the rest of the squad, really.

Kaidan's eyes flicked to Corinthus, who picked up on the tension and waved them off. "Go. I'll call you when I have an update."

Grateful for the reprieve, Kaidan signalled for Garrus to follow him. They went behind the next portable building over for what little privacy they could get in the middle of a warzone.

"Cerberus happened," said Kaidan bitterly, picking up where they left off.

"Damn," said Garrus.

"We were on a mission together when they showed up. She got hurt protecting me. She's okay, but we had to leave her on the Citadel."

"Huh."

Kaidan was growing tired of Garrus' monosyllabic replies, so he posed a question that would force everything out into the open. "Problem, Garrus?"

"Kind of surprised you were with her, that's all. You weren't so keen to tag along the last time she asked."

And there it was. "Look, I know I messed up on Horizon. I'm going to tell Shepard how sorry I am as soon as this is over."

"You think an apology is going to cut it?" Garrus crossed his arms and pinned him with a challenging stare.

Kaidan didn't flinch. "No, I don't. I have a lot to make up for, but I won't push her either if she doesn't want me in her life."

Garrus studied him for a bit, and Kaidan didn't dare break eye contact in case it raised doubts about his sincerity. Eventually, Garrus relaxed his stance and bobbed his head in what appeared to be grudging respect.

"Major, Vakarian," called Vega from the command centre. "Going to have to interrupt you guys. The general says he has a name for us."

"We'll be right there," Kaidan shouted back. Both of them had said their piece, so they wasted no time in heading back. He didn't think Garrus forgave him yet, but they seemed to have come to an unspoken truce of some sort. Any further discussion would have to wait until after they whisked the primarch to safety.

"Palaven Command tells me that the next primarch is General Adrien Victus," said Corinthus when Kaidan and Garrus re-joined the rest of the group.

"Victus," said Liara thoughtfully. "His name's crossed my desk."

"I was fighting alongside him this morning," said Garrus. "Lifelong military. Popular with his troops, not so popular with military command. Has a reputation for playing loose with accepted strategy. He'll do whatever it takes."

Kaidan grinned. "If I didn't know better, I'd think you were describing Shepard."

Some of their old camaraderie resurfaced as Garrus laughed. "We could use ten more like her, and Victus is at the top of the list."

Joker cut in over the comm. "Major, come in!"

Kaidan's good humour evaporated immediately. Joker didn't contact the ground team unless it was an emergency. "What is it, Joker?"

"We've got a situation on the Normandy. It's like she's possessed, shutting down systems, powering up weapons. I can't find the source."

He was careful not to suggest EDI as a possibility. Kaidan hadn't been acquainted with the AI for more than a couple of days, but so far she'd proven herself trustworthy. He hoped that trust wasn't unfounded, because the last thing he needed was a rogue AI on a mission already on the verge of going sideways.

"Liara, find out what's going on with the ship," said Kaidan, and Liara set out for the shuttle they used to land on Menae. "Garrus, you said you were with Victus this morning?"

"Yeah, but we got separated. He went to bolster a flank that was breaking. He could be anywhere out there."

"We're trying to raise him, Major," said Corinthus.

"Incoming harvester heading for the airfield!" yelled Vega.

His warning galvanized the entire camp into action. Kaidan pulled out his rifle along with the turian soldiers as the harvester rose from the cliffs and swooped down on the camp. The harvester disregarded the multiple rounds fired at it and maintained its course to the airfield. As swiftly as it came, it flew out of shooting range.

Kaidan jammed a fresh thermal clip into his weapon. "General, tell Victus we'll rendezvous here. We'll take care of the harvester and whatever it dropped off." He looked to his squadmates, focusing on one in particular. "Think you can keep up, Garrus?"

"Are you kidding?" Garrus cocked back his rifle. "I was going to ask you the same thing!"

* * *

To Shepard, hospitalization was a twisted replay of her detention. She couldn't leave, didn't get any visitors and had no connection to the outside world. At first her brain was in too much of a haze from pain meds to see the similarities, but she caught onto them when the doctors reduced her dosage on the third day. A clearer head meant noting key differences as well.

Before, she could exercise and practice her biotics, and Lieutenant Vega sometimes snuck in a new book for her to read. This time, dull aches hounded her every move and the only way to avoid them was to lie still. Cowering from the pain just emphasized her sense of vulnerability: no biotics, no gun at her side, a shattered body that couldn't react fast enough to potential threats. Should someone decide to play assassin, she was screwed, unless boredom killed her first.

Without any distractions, there were far too many hours for her to brood. She managed to ignore her resurrection and Cerberus; she'd agonized over those subjects enough to drive herself into a deep depression during her first month under house arrest. No, the Reapers' arrival gave her something new to dwell on.

Having been born and raised on Mindoir, she didn't have the same attachment to Earth as most humans, but it _was_ her homeworld in the ancestral sense. She cursed the Alliance brass for not heeding her warnings about the Reapers. Because of their inaction, the Reapers had been able to roll into Earth virtually unopposed and mow down city blocks in the blink of an eye. How many had been killed since then? Millions? Was Anderson among the casualties? She should have disobeyed his orders and hauled him onto the Normandy by force. Vega might have helped her with that, but Kaidan…

So much for her vow to let go of him. First was her drive to protect him from Dr. Eva, and then she'd overreacted to him checking on her in the hospital. There was no denying it: she never stopped loving Kaidan, and she hated herself for it. Time and distance should have purged those old emotions, but they'd come surging back the minute Kaidan called her name on Earth. She was proud of herself for keeping it professional around him, at least until he'd compared her to a husk. It was more insulting than being called a clone or an advanced VI, because while she could agree that the latter two were possible, it was freaking obvious she was no husk. But similar to the aftermath of Horizon, her anger fizzled out, surrendering to sadness that they'd fallen so far from what they once had together.

The door to her room whooshed open and Shepard groaned, thinking it was one of the nurses back to run yet another test.

It wasn't a nurse, but a drell in a long black coat.

"Thane?"

"Commander Shepard." Hands clasped behind his back, Thane inclined his head toward her in greeting. "It's good to see you again, though I wish it was under better circumstances."

Shepard's face lit up, her previous gloom almost forgotten. "It's good to see you too. Not that I'm complaining, but how did you find me?"

"There have been rumours circulating that you are here. I was already in this facility under an assumed name, as my disease has reached the point where daily medical attention is required." At Shepard's stricken look, Thane smiled. "Do not grieve for me. I've led a full life and find myself passing the days pleasantly. I have the best doctors. My son visits regularly."

"You look good, Thane." Except for his coughing, he didn't seem like a man in the final months of his life.

Thane pulled up a chair next to her bed and sat down. "If I may ask, what happened to you?"

Shepard snorted. "I got my ass handed to me by a robot on Mars _._ Considering I faced the Collectors without getting a scratch, that's pretty pathetic, huh?"

"Not at all. Even the best of us cannot defeat every foe we encounter."

She refrained from retorting that she couldn't have picked a worse time to lose a fight. "Any news from the outside? The staff won't let me have a datapad or my omni-tool. Said I'd get bogged down with work that would cause me 'undue stress and hinder my recovery'." Perhaps they were right about the stress part, but she hated being out of the loop. The Reapers could be invading the Citadel and she wouldn't know until an energy beam blew her room apart.

"There's plenty of news about the war. None of it good, I'm afraid."

"What is, these days? Anything not Reaper-related?"

"There is one thing." Thane coughed before proceeding. "You are no longer the only human Spectre."

Shepard's eyebrows shot up _._ "I had no idea the Council was planning to let more humans join their ranks. Must be Udina's doing. Who got the job?"

"Kaidan Alenko, I believe was his name."

In spite of her earlier thoughts about Kaidan, Shepard's face split in a grin. She couldn't think of anyone more deserving of the honour. The Council could use more Spectres with his calm, logical nature and open-minded attitude toward other species.

Too late, Shepard noticed Thane observing her reaction, and she hastened to act more aloof. "I knew him. We worked together on the original Normandy."

"He is the man whose picture was in your quarters."

Shepard gaped at him. Thane had been in her quarters a grand total of once to talk about his reunion with Kolyat, and he'd given her desk no more than a cursory glance at most. "How did you...?" Oh right, drell and their photographic memories. He must have seen Kaidan's picture in the news vids and put two and two together. "Never mind."

Thane cleared his throat. "I understand if you do not wish to speak of it."

"It's not that. I'm just not sure what to tell you. Things haven't been the same between us since I went and got myself spaced."

"You still have feelings for him, do you not?"

"Yeah, but… it doesn't matter anymore." Verbalizing that fact stung more than Shepard expected, and she swallowed. "He doesn't trust me because I worked with Cerberus, and frankly I don't blame him. _I_ hated working with them, so I know how bad it must have looked to other people."

"You had your reasons. Have you explained them to him?"

"Not really," she admitted. "I never got the chance. I've lost so much time; he's moved on at this point. Why live in the past?"

Thane's expression was pensive as he leaned forward and rested his chin on top of his hands. "I once thought as you did, with Kolyat. Why interfere with his life when I was absent for most of it? Kepral's Syndrome has a way of changing one's perspective," he said with a wry smile. "I am fortunate he was willing to listen when I reached out to him, but if he wasn't… I suppose I would have to let him lead his own life someday, however troubling his choices may be."

"That doesn't sound very comforting."

"Personal satisfaction was never my primary objective. My goal was to stop Kolyat from following in my footsteps and tell him the truth about myself. I considered any acceptance from him after that a bonus."

"And rejection?"

"A less ideal resolution, but a resolution nonetheless," answered Thane.

Shepard turned her gaze to the ceiling. "I'll keep that in mind."

"That is all I ask." Thane stood up and his demeanour became more solemn. "Your enemies may try to finish you off here. I will keep watch."

"I appreciate the thought, but you don't have to do that," said Shepard, not wanting him to overexert himself for her sake.

Thane was firm, however. "It's the least I can do. You helped me make amends with my son, gave me purpose when I believed I had nothing left to do in this life."

"Fine, you win." It wasn't like she was in a position to stop him anyway. After she thanked him, Thane promised to visit again and bade her farewell, leaving her alone to ponder his words.

Her old friend hadn't pried or lectured, a quality she always respected about him. He'd simply offered his story, and its underlying advice stuck with her long after he left.

Thane was right. She and Kaidan needed to talk.

No more what-ifs or lingering questions. Whenever she saw Kaidan next, she would set the record straight, prove that she didn't mean to betray him. Maybe it was selfish to reopen old wounds, but she liked to think that a candid discussion would benefit Kaidan too. The amount of resentment he harboured against her history with Cerberus wasn't healthy and could cause problems in future missions, assuming they were assigned together. She was under no illusions that Kaidan would accept her when all was said and done, but closure wasn't about reviving the past or getting what she wanted. It was about being able to conclude a part of their lives without regrets, and then the both of them could truly move on.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Two weeks after being checked into Huerta Memorial, Shepard wandered the Presidium markets in search of a new gun. The one she found at Cipitrine Armoury was no Carnifex, but it would do on short notice.

She clipped it to her belt and looked askance at the meandering crowds around her. Strictly speaking, she wasn't supposed to be out of the hospital. She didn't stay to find out if that was grounds for Citadel security to pursue her, and fled the marketplace on legs wobbly from disuse.

Really, the doctors should be happy to be rid of her. Her restlessness had blown up beyond everyone's endurance, including her own, after Admiral Hackett's visit a week ago to apprise her of the war effort. While she was thankful to be brought up to speed, it had the side effect of making her feel that much more useless. Crews were working around the clock on the Prothean device, and Kaidan, in his new capacity as a Spectre, had taken the Normandy to rescue the turian primarch. Meanwhile, what was she doing? Nothing.

Shepard didn't feel too guilty about intimidating a nurse into returning her omni-tool. Screw stress levels—as long as she was trapped in bed, she might as well catch up on her e-mail. Unsurprisingly, the backlog was enormous; half a year of restricted communications could do that to an inbox. Of her recent messages, although Hackett approving her reinstatement in the Alliance was arguably the most critical, it was an e-mail from a Spectre named Jondum Bau that piqued her interest.

She sent a reply agreeing to meet Bau at the Embassies, and why not? She was already on the Citadel. Her biotics were back online with the latest amp installed. Her mostly healed shoulder wasn't _that_ stiff, and the meeting didn't call for a shootout or anything else as strenuous, though it didn't hurt to be prepared—hence the gun. The main obstacle was convincing Michel to discharge her early, because she was adamant about keeping her for the full three weeks.

In the end, Shepard discharged herself. All she had to do was walk out like she was entitled to leave, and none of the staff paid her any heed. Her change of wardrobe helped; the public was so used to seeing her in black N7 armour that she looked like a different person in her black jacket, white t-shirt, jeans and brown boots.

Bau, a green-skinned salarian in navy armour, waited for her near C-Sec's office, and his gaze initially slid past her as she sauntered up to him. This changed when she stopped right in front of him.

"Commander Shepard!" spluttered Bau. "I didn't recognize you."

"I'm off-duty, so to speak," she said, shrugging, not the least bit offended. "You said in your message that you had info linking some higher-ups to the Reapers?"

"Hanar officials, to be precise. My intel suggests that they may be indoctrinated."

Shepard automatically gripped her pistol. If Bau's pronouncement was true, a few indoctrinated officials were capable of sabotaging the entire government, leaving the hanar ripe for annihilation. "That's a damning accusation. What have you got?"

She listened to Bau with increasing amazement. The batarians had been studying Reaper tech? Hanar operatives had tipped off the Alliance, but stole the tech for themselves? And one of those operatives became a diplomat on the Citadel? Odder still, her former teammate Kasumi was Bau's source? If the situation wasn't so serious, his evidence could have been the basis of a new joke.

"I'm tracking suspicious transmissions to the hanar homeworld. I could use your help," said Bau.

"Let me see what I can dig up at the Spectre office," she offered.

"Thanks, Shepard." His bulbous eyes shone with respect and appreciation. "And for the record, not everyone doubted your concerns about the Reapers. I just hope we're not too late."

Buoyed by his support and the prospect of doing something productive, Shepard strode into the Spectre office with newfound energy. Bau seemed a decent guy, especially compared to Saren Arterius or Tela Vasir. It was nice to meet a fellow Spectre who wasn't trying to kill her for a change, but he technically wasn't the first if she counted Kaidan.

* * *

Two weeks after setting out for Menae, the Normandy was finally en route to the Citadel for a supply run. As Kaidan watched Joker bring the ship out of the relay, he shifted his weight from one leg to the other, the only outward sign of his impatience. Every day wasted on travelling was another day for the Reapers to wreak havoc on Earth, but it was just as well that they took so long to get back. Primarch Victus had been swamped with his new duties, negotiating with representatives from other species, and hadn't set a date for the war summit until yesterday. Kaidan didn't envy him his job in the slightest.

Of course, Kaidan had another reason to be enthusiastic about getting to the Citadel. Shepard was sure to be awake by now, and he longed to drink in the sight of her, to atone for his mistakes. He'd thought of little else during his downtime between missions and paperwork.

The corner of Kaidan's mouth twitched when his eyes rested briefly on the occupant in the co-pilot's seat. If he didn't warn Shepard in advance, she'd shoot first and ask questions later. He himself had required days to adjust to having her assailant—correction, her assailant's body—on their side.

The way it went down, they were lucky to have the ship intact. Once they'd gotten Victus aboard, they'd hightailed it from Palaven's moon, only for the Normandy to stall mere light years from Reaper-infested space. A power surge rocked the AI core, knocking EDI offline as well.

With systems switching on and off at random intervals, it was a miracle that Kaidan made it in the elevator to the crew deck. Engineer Adams and his team entered the AI core first to attack the flames billowing from various machines with extinguishers. Kaidan proceeded after them with caution, unable to see much through the smoke except for an orange glow lurking in the depths. He could tell from the outset that it didn't belong there, more so when it moved toward him with noises resembling footsteps.

The glow originated from a holographic visor. The intruder stepped out from the smoke, and Kaidan leaped back in a defensive stance, his body flaring blue with biotic energy.

"Dr. Eva!" he hissed.

"Not quite, although your assumption is understandable."

That voice. Kaidan lowered his arm by a fraction. "Is that you in there, EDI?"

This being her first time inhabiting a corporeal form, EDI examined her right hand as if it was a fascinating new specimen. "Not all of me, but I do have control of this unit. It was not a seamless transition."

He regarded her warily, but allowed his biotics to dim. "That's putting it mildly, don't you think? The whole ship was malfunctioning. I thought your core got corrupted." _Or_ _that you went rogue on us_ , he added mentally.

"That is what almost occurred. When Dr. T'Soni and I analyzed this unit for information on the Prothean device, I ran a background process to aid us. This eventually triggered a trap," said EDI.

"What sort of trap?"

"There was a backup power source, and the CPU reactivated. The unit attempted physical confrontation. Fortunately, I was able to gain root access and repurpose it as I saw fit. During the process, it struggled, thus the fire."

Kaidan blanched at the thought of the synthetic seizing control of the Normandy. It was a close call, and he should have known not to leave a Cerberus unit lying around without proper security measures. "Glad you were there to keep it from doing any real damage," he said faintly. "Any ideas on what we should do with it now?"

"I could use this body to accompany you on missions not suited to Normandy's capabilities, to provide limited ground support."

"Wait, what?" He'd just gotten used to EDI as a disembodied voice or holographic orb. "That's possible?"

"Yes, but for optimal control, this unit should remain within Normandy's broadcast or tight beam range."

"Hold on. Before you take it anywhere, you need to guarantee it doesn't have any more surprises in store."

"I will ensure this platform causes no further harm to Commander Shepard or the rest of the crew." It was amazing how much weight the addition of facial features and body language lent to her declaration. EDI stood ramrod straight, head held high, with the air of a graduate determined to prove herself.

After an awkward transition that involved scaring a few crewmembers with her appearance, EDI took up residence in the chair to Joker's right, and to say the pilot was thrilled with her new body was a huge understatement. Now that it wasn't out to kill him anymore, Kaidan had to admit it was rather curvy, but he slapped the thought away when he pictured Shepard's disapproving glare.

The Normandy was waylaid twice after the primarch's extraction, giving EDI ample opportunity to test her platform in combat. The evacuation of Grissom Academy, for instance. Its students weren't the same group Kaidan had trained, but his protective instincts went into overdrive, outstripped only by those from Jack, the school's colourful teacher. He'd read somewhere that Shepard had recruited her to fight the Collectors, but how Jack cooperated with Shepard's military-minded leadership was a mystery to him. He couldn't deny that Jack's teaching style, while unconventional and not something he'd implement himself, was most effective in boosting the students' morale.

By the second detour, in which they raided a Cerberus lab on Sanctum, Kaidan learned to distinguish EDI's form from the lethal figure in his nightmares. They mowed down enemy troops without too much trouble, and walked out with fresh data on the composition of the Reapers' forces. For Kaidan, and EDI to a lesser extent, it was payback for the attack on Grissom.

Overall, Kaidan supposed he was doing an adequate job as temporary commanding officer. The ship experienced no further problems after EDI's blackout, and most of the crew was open to chatting with him during his daily rounds through the ship. Even Garrus, who wasn't on the greatest of terms with him yet, talked a little about what he'd been up to prior to the invasion of Palaven. But Kaidan wasn't Shepard and never would be. He didn't have her ability to truly draw people out and inspire their undying loyalty.

Whenever he dropped by the cockpit, Joker regaled him with stories about Shepard's campaign against the Collectors. EDI sometimes added her input, usually to point out an inconsistency or exaggeration in Joker's storytelling. From what they related, the Alliance spy reports had not done Shepard any justice. They'd either neglected the finer details, or wrongly assumed sinister motives behind her craziest exploits. Whether it was crawling through a derelict Reaper or recruiting the latest maverick, Kaidan constantly asked himself same thing: how would he have reacted if he'd been there too?

Joker's flair for comedy couldn't hide the darker side of Shepard's dealings with the Illusive Man. Half the time the bastard had sent her and the crew into situations he knew were traps. Hell, he'd set one of them up himself, using Kaidan as bait for the Collectors. This revelation cast Horizon, which wasn't a fond memory to begin with, in a more menacing light and reminded Kaidan of how badly he'd misjudged Shepard. She'd known Cerberus was using her, but she'd used them in turn, both sides playing along until their usefulness to each other came to an explosive end.

Joker summed it up best. "It was like a game to see who would stab who in the back first. Shepard won, obviously. Man, I wish I could have seen the look on the Illusive Man's face when she told him to piss off." He peered over at the co-pilot's seat. "EDI, did you save a recording of that conversation? You know, so I can find the exact shot and stick it in a holo-frame for laughs?"

EDI was not amused. "I did not, Jeff. Perhaps you should find a more aesthetically pleasing image to adorn your space."

"You're such a spoilsport, EDI," grumbled Joker as Kaidan stifled a laugh.

For someone who prided himself on brutal honesty, Joker never berated Kaidan for abandoning Shepard. It could be that holding grudges wasn't his style, and Kaidan suspected the stories, aside from their entertainment value, were Joker's own way of defending her. Not that Kaidan needed more persuasion at this stage, but he relished the chance to learn more about Shepard's activities from a primary source.

At last the Normandy glided into the Citadel and received clearance to land in Docking Bay D24. Kaidan accepted customs' offer of transportation, and they sent a cab to wait for him outside the airlock. Kaidan's heart thudded uncomfortably hard on the ride over, and when the cab dropped him off, he had to make a conscious effort not to run into the lobby.

As fate would have it, Dr. Michel already stood at reception with her arms resting on top of the counter. She turned when he drew closer, and though she tried to hide it, her features quivered with anxiety.

"Oh hello, Major," said Michel with false cheer. "Are you here to see Commander Shepard?

"I am. How is she?"

His answer deflated her, but she perked up again. "Much better. Her resilience is truly remarkable. Unfortunately, she isn't ready for visitors today. You'll have to come back another time."

"Is there a problem?" Her strange behaviour was beginning to unnerve him.

"No! No problem. Some patient's visiting hours are different from others, you see, and Shepard is a very special case—"

"Doctor, tell me what's going on," said Kaidan in his most authoritative voice.

Michel wilted, dropping all pretence of normalcy. "The commander is missing."

Kaidan choked like he'd been punched in the gut. "What?"

"Her bed was empty when I went to check on her this morning, and C-Sec hasn't found any trace of her yet."

He didn't hear anything past "her bed was empty". He was too busy cataloguing the worst possible scenarios. Shepard had garnered a lot of enemies over the years—any one of them could be responsible for her disappearance. He should get in contact with Bailey, exchange information with him.

He spun around, and that was when he saw her walk in through the entrance with two C-Sec officers flanking her.

Her chin-length hair was slightly dishevelled like she hadn't bothered to brush it, and some faded patches on her nose and cheeks were all that remained of her facial bruises. She wore civilian clothes instead of armour, but Kaidan could pinpoint Shepard anywhere in any attire.

She fumed at the officers. "Seriously, is this even legal? What about my right to leave whenever I want?"

Kaidan bit down on his lip to keep from laughing. In his panic, he overlooked the obvious explanation that Shepard had simply walked out of the hospital. He knew how she was, had acknowledged during his first visit that she might pull a stunt like this, but his rationality tended to desert him at odd moments, especially where Shepard was concerned.

Shepard turned away from her escorts to look forward, and Kaidan's breathing quickened. When she saw him standing there, she froze.

"Hey, Shepard," he said.

"Kaidan." She didn't sound angry, just shocked. "Hey."

Michel rested her hands on her hips, the very model of disgruntled doctor dealing with a difficult patient. "Commander."

Their jobs complete, the two officers left. Shepard glowered at their backs before redirecting her annoyance at Michel. "Don't you have better things to do than chase down one patient?"

"Not when the patient is Commander Shepard. We feared something terrible happened to you, and your injuries aren't done healing," scolded Michel.

"I'll remember to leave a note next time," said Shepard wryly, and Kaidan frowned when she pressed her fingertips to her temple. Her eyes were unfocused too, come to think of it.

"I'm pleased to see you on your feet, but I'd like to keep you here another night for observation," said Michel. "Do you think you can manage that?"

"Sure, yeah," said Shepard, albeit without her usual fire.

It was a good thing Kaidan watched her closely. She took a step forward, swaying, but miscalculated the amount of weight she put on her foot and toppled over. Kaidan caught her around her waist before she hit the floor. As he hauled her up, Shepard slung an arm over his neck and rested her other hand on his chest for support.

The blood rushed to his face as Kaidan perceived her touch and their proximity. He'd forgotten how wonderful it felt to hold her in his arms; so solid, yet soft and slim, and for a wild second he was tempted to embrace her fully and hold onto her forever. He searched her eyes for hints that she felt the same about him and witnessed countless emotions dance across their blue depths. Or was he projecting his hopes onto her for any excuse to throw his inhibitions to the winds? Shepard gasped—from temptation? Fear? Either way, it brought reality crashing down on them, and they broke apart like they'd been electrocuted. Kaidan blushed a deeper shade of red, very aware that they were in a public area.

Michel coughed delicately. "As I was saying, Commander, you've overexerted yourself. Get some rest. We can re-evaluate tomorrow morning."

Shepard dusted herself off and marched to her room with as much dignity as she could muster. Kaidan's wasn't quite as graceful, stumbling after her to avoid Michel's knowing expression.

He accompanied Shepard to her room, where she hung up her jacket and kicked off her boots, then climbed into the bed. She pulled the blanket over herself and dug her palms into drooping eyelids, the effects of her latest escapade taking their toll. Kaidan hovered off to the side, his desire to stay with her warring with his medic's sense to let her sleep.

The latter won out by a very slim margin.

"I can come back later," he said, inching toward the door.

Shepard uncovered her eyes, instantly more alert. "No, it's okay. I'm sick of my own company."

Kaidan hesitated, but obliged her by sitting down in the chair next to the bed, more pleased than he ought be that she hadn't kicked him out. Once seated, he realized he wasn't ready to delve into the past yet and cast about for a topic that was casual, safe. "What were you doing out there before C-Sec caught up with you?"

"Met an old friend, Kasumi Goto, and netted some more allies while I was at it. Hanar, drell and Spectre." She ticked off each one on her fingers.

"Three allies in one outing? You're efficient as always."

"I try." Shepard shuffled onto her side, a mischievous glint in her eye. "So, Major Alenko, second human Spectre. Should I start saluting you?"

She meant it as a joke, but Kaidan worried she might salute him for real if he didn't head her off. "There's no need for that." He reddened and rubbed the back of his neck. "We both know who's really in charge here. I'm just holding the fort until you get better. I mean, this whole Spectre thing was kind of a rush job."

Shepard rolled her eyes. "Come on, Kaidan. Give yourself some credit. Rushed or not, the Council doesn't pick anybody to be a Spectre."

She sort of had him there. "Maybe."

"I'd say it paid off. You rescued a primarch, got the war summit moving. At this rate, you'll defeat the Reapers without me," said Shepard in mock dismay.

"I highly doubt that," said Kaidan, deadpan.

"Do me a favour and save some of the war summit for me."

Kaidan arched an eyebrow at her. "You haven't been cleared for duty yet."

"Oh, I will be," said Shepard in a manner that dared anyone to contradict her.

All at once, their small talk lost steam. The light mood wore off, and they lapsed into an uneasy silence. Shepard flipped onto her back and folded her hands on top of her midsection, and Kaidan shook his leg up and down. As much as he enjoyed their bantering and marvelled at how effortless it was, he couldn't keep procrastinating. They were alone and unlikely to be bothered by the staff for a while, and he didn't have any assignments that required his immediate attention. This was as good a time as any to clear the air.

His pulse racing, Kaidan steeled himself for a difficult conversation. "Listen, about Horizon…"

Shepard tensed, her fingers turning white from clasping together so hard. She forced herself to relax, however, and smoothed her features into a calm veneer, the same one she wore going into missions with low survival odds. "Right, about that. Sorry I didn't reply to your e-mail."

"Shepard, that's not what I—"

"No, I have to say this," she said firmly. Kaidan fell silent, deciding it would be faster not to argue. "I wanted to reply, but it didn't seem right to get either of our hopes up. I really believed the Omega-4 relay was going to be a one-way trip."

His heart ached at her admission. She'd gone into a suicide mission thinking he didn't care about her, which couldn't be further from the truth.

"And before that, when I was gone for those two years. I need you to know that it wasn't by choice. I didn't fake my death, or abandon the Alliance, or lie to you about who I was." She fixed him with a look so intense that it terrified him, yet urged him to cling to her every word. "I was dead, as in not breathing. As in in a rotting corpse."

"I know," he interjected, stomach churning at her choice of descriptors.

Her brow furrowed in confusion. "How?"

"Liara. She told me that she gave your... gave you to Cerberus and that they brought you back somehow."

"Apparently. To this day, I'm still not clear on how they did it."

"Did you ever feel like you owed them for it?" said Kaidan hesitantly. He'd been thinking about how the galaxy owed Cerberus a debt for reviving Shepard, though it sickened him to acknowledge it.

"God, no!" she snapped, and Kaidan recoiled. "I never asked Cerberus to bring me back, and I wasn't going to let them use that fact to manipulate me. If the Illusive Man didn't like it, then resurrecting me was his mistake."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that." He sighed. "I'm sorry about a lot of things."

"Yeah, me too," murmured Shepard.

"Don't be," blurted Kaidan, unable to sit by anymore and listen to her take the blame on herself. Shepard's mouth opened, but he forged ahead. She'd said her fair share; now it was his turn. "I'm the one who screwed up, okay? Seeing you on Horizon alive and with Cerberus threw me off, but I could have handled it better. I know you wouldn't deal with people like them unless you had to. I could have let you explain, or trusted you to do the right thing. I... I shouldn't have walked away from you like that."

Shepard sank into the pillows, taken aback by his spiel. Then she drew herself up in bed, endeavouring to retain some semblance of control. "You weren't wrong. Having Garrus, Tali, Joker and Chakwas on board got me carried away thinking it would be like old times. It was selfish of me to assume you'd ditch everything you worked for, everything you believed in, to come with me. I didn't think about your feelings, what you must have gone through after I died."

He fought to rein in his temper. It was so typical of Shepard to downplay her emotions and trouble herself with other people's problems. As frustrating as it was, he was really angry with himself for driving her to it in the first place.

"It wasn't fun, but I survived." Kaidan held off mentioning that he'd been flagged once or twice for "suicidal recklessness" during a mission. He wasn't there to wax on about his tribulations. "That's what counts, right? I tried everything I could to move on."

"As you should," said Shepard with a strained smile. "I'm glad you moved on with someone else. It would've been unrealistic for you to mourn me forever. You deserve to be happy."

Kaidan was speechless. Was that what she thought? How long had she been carrying around that misconception? Goddammit, he should have omitted his date from the e-mail. Back then it had been a relatively recent event and he'd wanted to be honest with her. Instead, his carelessness had thrown up yet another barrier between them.

He leaned in close, placing a hand on the edge of the bed. "There isn't anyone else. There never was."

Shepard struggled to digest this. "Aren't you seeing that doctor?"

"I went out with her that one time, and mostly because my friends sprang it on me," Kaidan clarified.

"Really."

"She was nice, if you like the bookish sort."

"But you prefer more adventurous women," she quoted from a certain conversation a lifetime ago.

"Just one, actually," said Kaidan before he could stop himself.

His earnest tone left no room for misinterpretation. Shepard looked away, her face twisted with pain. "Kaidan..."

Kaidan's conscience screamed at him. The confession itself, he didn't regret. His poor timing, though, and the distress it caused her, he wished he could undo. As it was, there was no backtracking, no getting around it, nothing else to do but take responsibility for his words.

"I'm not asking you to forgive me. The way I treated you… that's not something you just get over. But I can't… I can't walk away without telling you how much I care about you."

Shepard's eyes shimmered with tears, and she stared straight ahead at the wall in a desperate effort to hide them.

"I love you," he said. "I always have, and I'm sorry it took you almost dying again for me to realize it."

She released a shaky breath, and the tears slipped down her cheeks unbidden. She swiped at them with such harshness that Kaidan was afraid she'd hurt herself. Out of reflex, he stretched his hand out to touch the side of her face, but that would be going too far, so he backed off.

 _Slow down. Don't be push her_ , Kaidan chided himself. "Well, that's how I feel," he said softly. "You don't have to answer yet. I can wait."

Shepard, stubborn to the last, focused harder on the wall as more tears spilled out. Her breathing grew ragged, her shoulders beginning to shake. The impulse to touch her returned in full force, yet something told him to resist. She didn't want his comfort, and he should leave her alone. He'd done enough.

Kaidan withdrew from the room as quietly as possible, and he wasn't out of the hospital long when his skull started throbbing—and not from a migraine. He felt exhausted and wrung out on a level that went beyond pulling a double shift, or fighting for his life in a battle. Sleep held no appeal for him when he didn't know what the next day would bring for him and Shepard. If today was his final visit, he hadn't ended it on the brightest note, but it had to be better than how things were before their talk. It had to be.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

"This goes against my better judgement, Commander. Your left shoulder needs more time to heal."

"I'm right-handed," said Shepard without missing a beat. She slid on her boot, the last item to complete her Alliance uniform, and rose from the edge of the bed to meet Michel's disapproving look on equal level. "Relax, Doctor. I'm dealing with politicians, not going into battle."

Privately, Shepard viewed the war summit as a battle in itself, though she wouldn't tell Michel that. She'd already tormented the poor woman with her jailbreak the other day.

Michel didn't protest further, knowing a lost cause when she saw one, and issued a new set of doctor's orders. "I'm letting you out on one condition. Report daily to Dr. Chakwas for routine check-ups and physiotherapy. Follow any medical advice she gives you."

"Got it." Shepard could have gone out on that note, but a twinge of remorse held her back. She owed her life to the hospital staff, and they'd put up with a lot from her for the last two weeks. Remembering an offhanded comment Michel had made once about medical inventory, she said _,_ "If I find any supplies the hospital can use, I'll send them your way."

Michel beamed at her. "That would be most welcome. Good luck out there."

With that, Shepard vacated the room with a determined spring to her step. No more sitting out the action. She was going to attend the summit as she swore she would. She hated the mud slinging and posturing that characterized political gatherings, but this one promised to alter the course of the war, for better or worse.

Hell, a shouting match with a few politicians was exactly what the doctor ordered. Shepard was loath to admit it, but her body needed a break from physical combat to avoid a repeat of yesterday. Running up and down the Citadel to track hanar transmissions, plus punching the guy who tried to strangle Bau, had cost far more energy than anticipated.

She squirmed at the memory, mortified that she'd worn herself out to the point of tripping into Kaidan's arms. That it had to be Kaidan—god, she hadn't minded being held by him as much as she should have. It wasn't the reunion she had envisioned, and in hindsight she should've seen it as a sign that none of it would go as planned.

Nothing short of death would have kept her apart from him, and she had been prepared to relive the gory details to convince him of that. She'd have to buy Liara a round of drinks later for saving her the trouble, which left Cerberus as the other lingering issue. To her astonishment, Kaidan had mentioned them first, showing his acceptance that she had done what was necessary. His change of heart had caught her off guard, but what he said next had breached her defenses completely.

Kaidan had torn out his heart and laid it bare to her without leaving a way out for himself. If anything, he'd left _her_ a way out. He'd given her the choice to banish him from her life permanently, a notion that filled her with vague disquiet _._ And yet, she wasn't about to throw herself at him at the first opportunity. Maybe she would have once, before tearing through Horizon to rescue him from the Collectors. It wasn't that she didn't want to anymore, because her feelings for him were crystal clear. She loved him.

So what was she afraid of?

If she was being honest with herself, Kaidan's dismissal of her on Horizon had sliced her to the core, and no amount of empathy for his perspective had lessened the pain. She'd learned to cope with it and no more than that. Up until yesterday, she'd written off their relationship as beyond salvaging, a relic of the past. To hear there might be hope for them after all had knocked the wind out of her, unlocking the hurt and sorrow she'd let fester for too long. She'd tried to bury her emotions, failed miserably at it, and Kaidan had retreated to give her some space.

Her one consolation was that she'd held out until after he was gone to dissolve into unrestrained sobs before falling asleep.

There was also the war; life in the military always carried an element of risk, but they were up against the Reapers, the biggest threat in galactic history. With her name at the top of Harbinger's hit list, she was all but guaranteed to get herself killed again, and there wouldn't be any return from it this time. Kaidan could gloss over it all he wanted, but she knew he'd suffered from losing her once. It wasn't fair to put him through a second round.

Or maybe her fears had nothing to do with Kaidan himself and everything to do with a defect on her part. She didn't fall in love easily and when she did, she fell hard. So when it didn't work out, it hurt so much that she let possible second chances go without a fight. She was unsure if she'd been always like that, or if watching batarian slavers slaughter her family, or getting three-quarters of her squad killed on Torfan had damaged her ability to handle romantic attachments with poise.

On the upside, this wasn't a life and death situation that demanded a split second decision. Kaidan was willing to wait. She could take some time to sort herself out, see how things played out.

Shepard crossed the lobby, unprepared for Kaidan's presence in the waiting area. He sat in one of the chairs facing reception, and Shepard paused to evaluate her reaction to seeing him for the first time since their talk. No bitterness, surprisingly—just trepidation, but without the pain of the past to taint it.

When Kaidan saw her, he sprang up from his chair, stammering. "Shepard, hi. I heard you were getting out of here. Hope it was okay for me to come by. I-I mean..."

"At ease, Major," said Shepard lightly. No use in making things more awkward.

Kaidan complied, speaking in slower sentences. "What I'm trying to say is, I came to see you off."

Shepard shot him a quizzical look. "You going somewhere, Kaidan?"

After a beat, he answered, "Hackett offered me a position."

"That's great!" she said, but a feeling of loss stirred in her chest. She'd taken it for granted that Kaidan was staying on the Normandy. Why she assumed the Alliance would keep them together, she didn't know. No, his reassignment was for the best; less stress over how to act around each other, and having both human Spectres on the same ship was unwise from a tactical point of view.

"I guess so. It's… safe," said Kaidan without much enthusiasm.

 _He'd rather be out there fighting_ , she realized. She shared his sentiment, absolutely. A position with the admiral, while it carried plenty of prestige and responsibilities, wasn't the same as engaging the enemy on the battlefield. Kaidan was like her, a soldier first and foremost. A transfer didn't have to be his only option, but she shouldn't…

"I haven't chosen my executive officer yet. I could use someone I trust." Shit. She had to stop flip-flopping. Was she fine with having him on board or not? On further reflection, she decided she was, but she needed to ensure Kaidan didn't mistake her intentions. She added hastily, "To do the job well. And the crew knows you."

The lift in his mood was palpable, although his reply was measured. "Hackett did say he'd keep me on the Normandy if I turned him down."

"Is that a yes?"

"You bet," said Kaidan, and Shepard's heart soared. "I'd like to finish what we started."

"We will, one way or another," she promised him, conscious of the potential double meaning in their exchange.

Kaidan kept a respectful distance as he walked alongside her, and they settled into a friendly silence that wouldn't have been possible less than twenty-four hours ago—a silence shattered when they got to the docks.

A woman in a long purple dress loitered at the end of the corridor, and she was calling Shepard's name.

"Oh no," Shepard groaned.

Not al-Jilani, her least favourite person after Udina. The reporter was about as subtle as a rampaging yahg with her agenda, and Shepard had walked out partway through her first interview because of it. Al-Jilani had conducted a second interview two years later with even less tact, prompting Shepard to chew her out for belittling the men and women whose sacrifices had saved the Council during the battle with Sovereign. Based on their track record, and taking into account recent events, a third encounter was doomed to be a circus that Shepard itched to avoid at all costs.

She sped up her pace and motioned for Kaidan to do the same.

Al-Jilani had other ideas, darting out in front of them to block their path.

"Khalisah Bint Sinan al-Jilani. Isn't it true that you ran away when the Reapers attacked Earth? How do you justify hiding on the Citadel while millions on Earth die? Has the Alliance's poster girl finally shown her true colours as a coward?"

Shepard pursed her lips, refusing to rise to the bait. She could ignore it, having been accused of greater sins: prejudice against batarians, insanity, and treason, to name a new. Kaidan wasn't so willing to let it slide; she saw his features freeze with outrage and his hands curled into fists at his sides.

She waved at him to stand down to no effect. Kaidan advanced on al-Jilani, his voice low and dangerous. "If you bothered to do your research, you'd know that's false."

Al-Jilani was put off for about a second before she sank her claws into a new target. "Major Alenko, isn't it also true that you're an L2 biotic? Given your fragile mental state, do you think it's wise to accept the responsibilities of a Spectre?"

That did it for Shepard. The nerve of her, branding Kaidan as an L2 lunatic to be feared and hated. His service record didn't matter to her, only the type of implant he had.

"I've had enough of your tabloid journalism," she snarled. "We're done here."

If al-Jilani had been smart, she would have let her pass. In reality, when Shepard pushed past her, al-Jilani readjusted her position to invade her personal space again. "The public has a right to know about the Council's low standards—"

Shepard shoved her hard, knocking the reporter flat on her back.

Several passers-by gawked at them. Shepard swept by al-Jilani in disgust, too incensed to care about the attention she'd drawn, or that the altercation had likely been caught on camera.

Kaidan hurried to catch up with her, peeking over his shoulder at al-Jilani, who looked daggers at them as she massaged the sore spot on her lower back. "That might have been a little extreme, Shepard."

Shepard scowled. "I can take whatever crap she says about me, but no one insults a member of my crew."

He seemed at a loss for an appropriate response, and his face clouded with a emotion she couldn't quite read. They were close to the Normandy by then, and Shepard used that last stretch to clamp down on her anger. As she stepped through the airlock, Kaidan went rigid as if seized by a realization.

"Wait, before you go in..."

The second Shepard glimpsed the figure in the co-pilot's seat, she whipped out her pistol and took aim. Joker yelped and covered his head with his arms, and Kaidan dashed forward to push her gun down. She goggled at him, confused as to why he stopped her.

Joker clutched at his chest. "Jesus, Commander! Are you trying to give me a heart attack?"

"Aside from an elevated heart rate, you are in no danger of cardiac arrest," said the figure, speaking with a voice normally heard from the ship's audio system.

Instantly, Shepard understood Kaidan's interference, and put away her weapon. "EDI?"

"Yes. Did Major Alenko not inform you I co-opted this platform for my own purposes?"

Kaidan ducked his head, grinning. "I forgot."

"Real smooth," said Joker sarcastically. "I swear I lost several years of my life."

"Don't feel too bad, Shepard. EDI's makeover scared the shit out of everyone," Kaidan assured her.

"Not me. Nerves of steel right here," Joker boasted.

"And your jaw hitting the floor had nothing to do with it."

Shepard snickered. "Sounds like quite the story. You'll have to tell it to me some time."

"I would be delighted to share the details when you are not otherwise occupied," EDI replied.

Joker gave Shepard a two-fingered salute, and she squared her shoulders as she turned to the doors separating the cockpit from the rest of the deck. She hadn't had time to read up on crew profiles and felt ill prepared as a result. True, no one would hold it against her, but she liked being able to engage a new crew as people, not just subordinates. It was easier to do that when she knew something beforehand about each person other than a rank and name.

A hush fell over the CIC as she approached the galaxy map. One by one the crewmembers present stopped what they were doing, straightened their postures, and hailed her with salutes. A couple of bolder, younger marines in their early twenties applauded, and when Shepard levelled a curious look at Kaidan, he just smiled and shrugged.

Few things baffled Shepard as much as this apparent hero's welcome. With some exceptions, this crew was new to her. They hadn't experienced the hunt for Saren or seen a Collector up close, and their knowledge of her character was limited to slander from their superiors and the media. She chalked it up to being proven right about the Reapers; it was easy to go from pariah to heroic martyr overnight in those conditions.

All the same, after months of little to no support from the Alliance, this was a pleasant reversal. But it didn't mean she should be standing there like an idiot or condone unmilitary conduct.

"Everyone back to your stations," she ordered half-heartedly.

The crew scurried to obey, and she and Kaidan entered what used to be Mordin's lab, passing by two female privates who snapped to attention. Further in, the turian primarch himself was hard at work at a terminal in the tech labs, also known as the war room.

Primarch Victus was a soft-spoken man who didn't carry himself with the loud self-importance as other politicians, perhaps because he was a general thrust unwillingly into the role of primarch. Nor did he treat her as a grunt that owed him favours because of his position. Rather, when Kaidan introduced them to each other, Victus met her with some degree of warmth and courtesy.

"Commander Shepard, it's an honour to meet you."

"Likewise."

"You have an excellent crew. The major here, in particular, has been of great assistance. I count myself lucky to be working with the both of you."

"We'll be taking off soon," she told Victus, gratified by his praise for Kaidan. "Is everything all set to go with the war summit?"

"Hmm." Victus' mandibles twitched in a way that hinted he was troubled about something. "Yes, except for the asari. They won't be attending."

"Because you invited the krogan?" she asked. From the reports Hackett had forwarded her, she was aware of the agreement Kaidan had made with the primarch: get krogan reinforcements on Palaven in exchange for turian aid on Earth. The backlash from the asari was frustrating, but predictable.

"They believe there's too much bad blood between their species for an alliance to work. Their opinion isn't an uncommon one."

"They're not the ones with the Reapers on their doorstep," Kaidan said darkly.

Shepard jammed her fist into her palm. "If your people can learn not to be picky about your allies in a crisis, so can the asari. Do you want me to talk to Councillor Tevos?"

"It won't do any good, Commander," said Victus. "When I met with the Council, Tevos wouldn't hear of any compromise, and Valern and Sparatus won't interfere with asari affairs. We'll make do with what we have."

"Don't we always?" said Shepard, resigning herself to the loss of a Council race. Well, two out of three wasn't bad. They could still build an inter-species alliance with the turians and salarians, provided they didn't spark another war with the krogan first.

After they finished speaking with Victus, they contacted Hackett in the comm room to confirm Kaidan's decision to remain on the Normandy. The admiral didn't seem surprised or disappointed—if he was, he hid it well—and congratulated Shepard on her recovery. He formally authorized their positions as CO and XO and provided some updates on the Prothean device before terminating the connection. There was the messy final step of downgrading Kaidan from the captain's quarters, except that he hadn't been up there recently—or at all.

"You never went up in all the time you were here?" she exclaimed after prying the truth out of him.

Kaidan tried to play it down. "It wasn't my place to take."

His explanation struck her as ridiculous. It did make handing the reins over to her simpler, but still. "Where did you sleep, then?"

"Crew quarters."

"That's it. You're not turning over command until you've seen every deck on this ship," she said without thinking. Kaidan had been a bit too faithful to the temp aspect of his job and she intended to straighten him out.

She practically dragged him up to the captain's cabin afterwards, disregarding the fact that she didn't know what she'd find up there either. The SR2 had been built as a civilian ship and included amenities the Alliance might have deemed non-essential during retrofits. When he went inside before her, at her insistence, his stunned expression told all.

"Wow."

She, too, was in awe, but for a different reason. "I thought they were going to tear these quarters apart. It's not exactly military issue."

The room was as spacious as ever; every piece of decor, from the fish tank that took up half a wall to the cushy double bed, was intact. Further inspection revealed the washroom was similarly untouched. She could imagine why—what captain would trade in these luxuries for military grade accommodations?

What really intrigued her was that her few personal belongings hadn't been removed. When Kaidan's back was turned, Shepard rummaged through her desk drawer and found his picture at the bottom where she'd put it half a year ago. The image didn't turn on because she'd disabled the power, but she tossed the holo-frame back in its hiding place anyway when Kaidan came over to her side of the room.

He examined the display rack that held her miniature SR1, the one model she owned. "Only one ship? Where's the rest of the fleet?"

"Hey, those model ships aren't cheap. My money was better spent on armour upgrades."

"Didn't stop you from buying this one."

"I was feeling nostalgic." When he refused to wipe that amused look off his face, Shepard spread her arms out defensively. "What can I say? Growing up in a colony made me a minimalist."

Why did she talk like this was news to him? Kaidan was well acquainted with her cheapskate ways. Until they were lost in the wreckage of the SR1, her most expensive possessions had been gifts from him, such as her limited edition N7 hoodie and secret stash of Belgian chocolate. And Kaidan used to be one of the few people she spent extra credits on without regrets.

Feigning nonchalance to mask her internal discomfort, Shepard asked, "What do you think of this place? You sorry you missed out on it?"

"I think," said Kaidan, pretending to ponder, "that I'd have gone soft living up here."

"Careful, Major, or I'll reassign you to a sleeping pod." She pointed her thumb at the door. "Now, let's go see the rest of the ship."

* * *

Kaidan followed Shepard's lead and stuck to business, like he hadn't poured his heart out to her and she hadn't broken down front of him. They could poke fun at each other and share a few laughs, but as an unspoken rule they steered clear of deeper matters. As counter-intuitive as it sounded, he took her avoidance as a positive sign. If she were that upset with him, she wouldn't have asked him to stay. They could have gone their separate ways, but they hadn't and he was happier for it.

Besides, the Shepard he knew guarded her emotions fiercely. For her to act differently, to rush into a relationship without letting the dust settle first, would have alarmed him a little. So regardless of his desires, he didn't mind taking it slow. He had one chance at this and he wasn't going to waste it. Plenty of time to prove he'd be there for her, for whatever she needed.

She'd give him a definitive answer when she was ready. And if she rejected him, he'd get over it—somehow—and serve as he always had. Unless she ordered him off the ship, he wasn't abandoning her. She was about to hurl herself into the centre of the war, and as a commander, as a person, she deserved to have friends she could count on to watch her back.

After his impromptu trip to the captain's cabin, Kaidan wound up going through every deck with Shepard, filling her in on ship details and crew placements as they went. According to her, the Alliance had left the SR2 mostly as it was, the biggest changes being the colour scheme and remodelled space behind the CIC. This meant shorter tours of the other decks, and she used the extra time to talk to old friends who were overjoyed to see her.

Liara embraced Shepard like a sister. "Thank the goddess you're okay."

"Try not to skip your appointments, or you'll be seeing more of me. And we can't have that," Chakwas said with dry humour.

As a surprise, Kaidan didn't tell Shepard who was in the main battery, and it had been worth it for her jubilant reaction.

"Garrus!" she cried, throwing her arms out wide.

"Shepard. Heh, I knew you wouldn't stay down for long. Shame about your face, though."

She flashed him a cheeky grin as she traced her fingertips over her still tender jawline. "Unlike you, I can't just slap some make-up on. People _would_ notice."

Kaidan felt as if he was missing out on an inside joke, but Shepard's quip made him snort with laughter anyway. Garrus' gaze flitted to him and if turians had eyebrows, his would be halfway up his forehead. He must have been confused that he was still on board, what with Shepard being back on duty, and Kaidan could visualize the gears turning in Garrus' head. Either Shepard was under orders, or she'd requested the arrangement herself.

He got his answer as she leaned a bit closer to Kaidan as if they were partners in a conspiracy. "We've got Garrus in here and Liara in Miranda's old room. Is Tali hiding in engineering?" she whispered loudly.

"No, but we've got Adams. You remember him?"

Shepard looked pleased. "I remember everyone from the SR1."

Kaidan got the impression he'd passed a test of some sort when Garrus gave him another one of his curt nods.

Their final destination was the shuttle bay, its denizens in their usual hangouts. Cortez was typing away at his console and Vega loitered in the alcove where he did his pull-ups and weight training.

Shepard went up to Cortez first, and Kaidan ventured deeper into the shuttle bay to allow them a moment to chat in private. Cortez, a skilled shuttle pilot, was one of the few people to not open up in the slightest to him during his tenure as Normandy's CO. He'd been morose since the day they met and Kaidan had been unable to find out why. Maybe Shepard would have more success.

Kaidan was content to watch her from where he stood, noting her every movement—when she pushed some hair behind one ear, the way she tilted her head as she listened to the other person speak. Cortez, he observed, was more talkative than he'd ever seen him. He would've monitored them until they were finished, if the hulking mass of muscle that was James Vega hadn't left his alcove to stand next to him.

"Major."

"Lieutenant." Kaidan acknowledged him with the barest of glances.

Vega shifted on the spot and swung his arms in an obvious attempt to act casual. "So, you and the commander."

"She's in command of the Normandy, but I'm staying on as her XO," said Kaidan without taking his eyes off of Shepard.

"That's not what I meant and you know it."

He indeed knew what Vega was getting at, but he didn't have to confirm it, especially not to a subordinate. "Do I?"

"I saw how you were when she got pounded on Mars. I see the way you're looking at her right now."

Kaidan clenched his jaw. Figured his behaviour in the med bay that day would come back to bite him, and pulling rank wouldn't deter a guy like Vega. While he was far from rude or disobedient, Vega definitely wasn't a stickler for military decorum to the extent he and Shepard were. At most Kaidan could probe his viewpoint on the subject and refute any misconceptions he might have.

After checking that Shepard was still busy with Cortez, he turned to Vega. "What of it?"

Vega threw up his hands in a placating gesture. "Nothing, man. It's cool with me. I'm just curious. Are you and her a thing?"

"No."

"Does she know you're crazy about her? Because you don't hide it well, no offense."

 _You have no idea_ , he thought. Ashley used to tease him about his transparency, and he hadn't improved with age. If she could see him now, she'd have a field day.

In his peripheral vision, Kaidan noticed Cortez was back at his console, alone. Confident that Vega was unaware of this, he deliberately spoke louder. "Why don't you ask her yourself?"

"Ask me what?" said Shepard as she wandered over to join them.

Flustered by Shepard's sudden entry in the conversation, Vega covered himself with a lie, as Kaidan predicted he would do. "Uh, how you're doing, Lola."

"Lola?" he echoed. He had half a mind to smack Vega down for being so informal toward his commanding officer.

"It's no big deal," said Shepard, but then her tone took on a noticeable edge. "As long as the lieutenant remembers to follow protocol on the field."

"Will do, ma'am," said Vega promptly. "Anything else, Commander?"

"I'd like to speak to you one on one. Don't wait up for me, Kaidan."

His curiosity roused at that. Shepard hadn't dismissed him when she chatted with Cortez, so what was different about Vega? But he got the message nevertheless and left them to it. "I'll be on the crew deck."

Before Kaidan was out of hearing range, he happened to catch part of Shepard's conversation opener.

"So, James, about that shuttle you wrecked..."


	6. Chapter 6

FYI, this chapter includes a small reference to _The Avengers_ (2012). While I'm at it, big thank you to all my readers and those who reviewed, faved and followed this story.

* * *

 **Chapter 6**

They argued in circles for hours in Normandy's conference room. Wrex and Dalatrass Linron hurled the majority of the insults, mostly at each other, and it took Shepard and Victus' combined efforts to prevent the summit from degenerating into a free-for-all. Wrex finally broke the impasse by demanding a cure for the genophage, revealing his inside knowledge of immune female krogan in a salarian facility, and not a moment too soon. Shepard's tolerance for all the politicking was frayed and in danger of unraveling altogether.

She, Wrex and Victus glared in unison at the Dalatrass, silently pressuring her to cede the location of the females. At length she lowered her face into her hand, head shaking in defeat. "The females are being kept in one of our STG bases on Sur'Kesh."

It was answer enough for Shepard. She strode around the table for the doorway.

"But I warn you, Commander. The consequences of this—"

Shepard was glad she'd injured her left side and not her right, or she wouldn't have been able to turn around and point with gusto at the Dalatrass as she interrupted her. "Will be nothing compared to what happens if the Reapers win."

"Let's get the females!" said Wrex.

"You're not setting foot on Sur'Kesh," spat the Dalatrass. "This will take time."

Victus moved toward her, his demeanour unyielding. "It happens now. As a Council Spectre, Shepard can oversee the exchange."

"We're going," said Shepard coldly. She stalked out of the conference room, and Wrex and Victus filed out after her.

"I won't forget this, Commander! A bully has few friends when he needs them most," the Dalatrass yelled.

Shepard didn't break her stride, unimpressed with the Dalatrass' blustering. By supporting Wrex, she might very well have burned her bridges with the salarian government. If that was the case, so be it. They needed the krogan on their side, and she'd rather help out a friend than cave in to a self-righteous politician who ought to look in a mirror before calling anyone else a bully.

"She's one to talk, hiding our females and trying to lie to about it," scoffed Wrex, echoing her thoughts. "I'm not stupid like my brother, Wreav."

"Commander, this is a very fragile situation. Tread carefully on Sur'Kesh, or the salarians will withdraw from this alliance," Victus said.

"If they haven't already." Shepard exhaled, willing herself to fret about it later. "I'll do what I can. No promises." In her experience, it was the simple pickups she had to beware of. The last mission to be defined as such had seen the warden of Purgatory try to take her and her squadmates prisoner, and receive a full-scale riot and a bullet to the head for his troubles.

They emerged into the CIC, where Shepard sought out Kaidan and found him at one of the consoles beside the galaxy map. She went straight to him, with Wrex lumbering behind her. Kaidan looked up; before he could speak, Wrex clapped him on the back, nearly smacking him into the console.

"Kaidan! Missed you last time on Tuchanka."

"It's been a while, Wrex," wheezed Kaidan.

"Where were you? Shepard usually takes you everywhere with her."

Kaidan's expression turned guilty, and it occurred to Shepard that he might tell Wrex more than was necessary, thereby casting himself in an unflattering light. She swooped in to answer for him. "Kaidan had other obligations. Kind of like a certain krogan chief I know."

"Is that so? More work to do from rising through the ranks. I get it," said Wrex in commiseration.

Shepard countered Kaidan's apologetic look with a faint smile. It didn't overwhelm her anymore to think about that period of her life, but she hadn't known it until Wrex asked. Rather than ponder the significance of this, she pressed a button to open the intercom to the main battery. "Garrus, meet me in the shuttle bay. You and Kaidan are coming with me and Wrex to the planet's surface."

"On my way."

"Is someone going to fill me in?" asked Kaidan as he, Shepard and Wrex piled into the elevator.

"Long story short, a salarian named Maelon conducted brutal experiments on some female krogan. He's dead, but we saved his research," Shepard explained. "Wrex also got a tip that some of the subjects survived and are in STG custody; they could be the key to synthesizing a cure for the genophage, so I'm going in as a Spectre to extract them."

"We get this done, and the turians can have all the reinforcements they want," growled Wrex.

Though shocked, to his credit Kaidan didn't question her sanity or the wisdom of their objective. Instead, he said, "If you think this is the way to go, then I'm in."

In the shuttle bay, Shepard ordered Cortez to prepare for launch. Wrex paced back and forth in front of the Kodiak, impatient to be off, while she and Kaidan strapped into their armour.

As she fastened her arm guards, the Dalatrass' warnings rang unwanted in her head—warnings she had to admit weren't totally groundless. She'd encountered plenty of hostile krogan over the years, and fighting a small group of them was akin to fighting a bunch of tanks on foot. Multiply them by a few thousand and they'd be unstoppable. At this critical juncture, none of it swayed Shepard from her course of action, but she owed it to Wrex to be upfront with him.

"I got to level with you, Wrex. I share some of the Dalatrass' concerns."

Wrex stopped pacing to scrutinize her through eyes narrowed into slits. "Yet you're doing this anyway."

She heard the query in his statement. "Like I said in the meeting, I'll do whatever it takes to get this alliance," she replied as she attached her weapons in rapid succession. "And because I trust you to keep your people on the right path."

A tense pause, and Shepard no longer heard any movement from Kaidan's locker. She wasn't alone, then, in observing Wrex with bated breath as his chest expanded in preparation of a roar.

And he did roar—with laughter. "This is why I like hanging out with you, Shepard! You say it like it is."

Garrus arrived shortly after with his sniper rifle in hand and boarded the Kodiak with Wrex. Shepard was about to go in next when Kaidan, decked out in some new armour he'd picked up on the Citadel, pulled her aside.

"Are you sure about this? I'm a Spectre too. I can handle the transfer."

"Positive. Two Spectres monitoring things should really give the salarians that warm, fuzzy feeling."

"That's not my point, Shepard."

In any other situation, the constant fussing about her health would have grated on her nerves, but it was hard to be irritated with the tender concern Kaidan showed her. Didn't help that she wasn't as confident about her stamina as she claimed to be. Although her physio sessions with Chakwas en route to Sur'Kesh had ironed out some of her aches and stiffness, the fact remained that she was untested for live combat.

She'd get a trial run shortly if the pickup did backfire. She disliked being so certain that it would.

"Victus told the Dalatrass it'd be me, so I have to show my face down there," she said, effectively closing the topic, and climbed into the shuttle.

Once they were all were aboard, Cortez manoeuvred them out of the Normandy into the cold depths of space. Unusually for him, Wrex was quiet on the ride down. He was preoccupied with the gun in his arms, testing the heft and peering through the scope. Watching him, Shepard realized she should brief the squad properly and lay down the ground rules.

"This is the salarian homeworld we're heading to. They aren't used to seeing krogan here, so let's keep it simple. We land, get the females and leave before anyone changes their mind."

"I still don't trust a word they say," grunted Wrex.

"If they start backtracking, the angry krogan act couldn't hurt," said Shepard offhandedly.

"Who said anything about acting?"

Wrex's behaviour was beginning to worry Shepard. She'd never seen him so on edge; the closest she could think of was Virmire, when the two of them had stared each other down over the barrels of their guns until she'd berated him into seeing reason. She wasn't really scared of him even in his angriest moods, but the salarians didn't have her thick skin. If Wrex caused a ruckus, they wouldn't hesitate shoot him on sight. "Just try to keep it verbal."

"These females are the best, and probably last, hope for my people," Wrex said, growing more intense.

"We'll get them out of there, Wrex. Shepard and I will make sure of it," Kaidan soothed.

Wrex calmed down a little. "I appreciate that, Kaidan. I wouldn't want anyone else along for the ride."

Garrus coughed into his fist.

"I suppose I can make room for you too, Garrus." Wrex punctuated this comment with a chuckle.

As always, Garrus threw in one of his sardonic remarks. "Figured you'd gone soft sitting on your throne; forgot how to hold a gun."

The rest of the flight was uneventful save for the underlying tension among the passengers. Too much rode on this pickup for any of them to be hyped about their first ever visit to Sur'Kesh, and the sooner they touched down, the sooner they could get to work. The shuttle halting in midair several metres off the ground wasn't what Shepard envisioned, though, and she slipped into the cockpit to find out what was going on.

"Commander, salarian ground control says we don't have clearance to land," Cortez reported.

Shepard folded her arms in front of her. "Tell them the Dalatrass authorized this herself."

Regrettably, Wrex overheard them. "I knew they'd never keep their word. Let's see them try to stop a krogan airdrop!"

Shepard looked sharply behind her when she heard the shuttle door pop open.

"Wrex," she warned, but she was too far away to intervene.

Kaidan and Garrus were closer to Wrex and moved forward to grab him, but he was too quick for them. He launched himself out the door, landing with a loud thud below.

* * *

Just once, Shepard wished the universe would prove her wrong and let a mission progress without things blowing up.

Wrex's airdrop was the least of their problems, a minor misunderstanding caused by STG not getting the memo about their arrival. More worrisome was the fate of the females, for only one had survived. And Cerberus showing up right after they did put her and the krogans' very future in jeopardy.

Garrus expressed what they were all thinking. "Cerberus must have been tipped off. They got here too fast."

It was an evacuation now. Wrex took the shuttle to distract the Cerberus ships outside and Mordin—his presence at the base amazed Shepard, but no time for heartfelt reunions—escorted the female in the containment unit that would take them to the roof. But the very system designed to safeguard STG from dangerous subjects worked against them. The unit ascended slowly, not budging at multiple checkpoints until Shepard's group bulldozed through swarms of Cerberus troops to press the requisite button.

Free of the distrust that had divided them before, she and Kaidan fell into a familiar old rhythm, fighting together as one through the facility while Garrus sniped enemies from afar. Kaidan kept any misgivings about her combat fitness to himself, exactly the way Shepard preferred it. On the battlefield, they were soldiers. Their ability to snap from personal to professional, their devotion to duty, was why their relationship had worked so well and gone unreported on the SR1. Yet, it also factored into why things had fallen apart after her resurrection.

They climbed a ladder to topmost floor, and Shepard's blood ran cold at the sight of a centurion shooting at the containment unit. Kaidan fried his shields for her to pump the centurion full of incendiary bullets. As he fell down flailing and screaming from his burns, more troopers surged forward to replace him. Shepard spotted two more attempting to sneak up on their six, and she pivoted to stand back to back with Kaidan, her biotics crackling in sync with his. Kaidan threw several troopers, Shepard's shockwave smashed those on her side into a wall, and Garrus dispatched anyone they missed.

When the coast was clear, she tapped the console to initiate the female's transfer to the loading area. Her pod rose from the containment unit and a pair of giant prongs connected to drag it across the ceiling.

"Shepard, head's up! We got incoming," Wrex boomed over the comm.

It was all the warning they got before a white mass plummeted from the sky and crashed down on the ledge. _Atlas mech_ , Shepard noted dimly as it took aim at her. From sheer instinct she dove to the side with Kaidan and Garrus. The shot blew up the console instead, damaging the containment unit with Mordin still inside.

"I can't land until you deal with that thing! It's too dangerous," Wrex said.

"Protect the krogan. She's vulnerable!" came Mordin's muffled shout. He pounded on the glass, unable to get out—the blast had jammed the door's mechanisms.

The mech jumped down from the ledge and trudged up to the female's pod. "Krogan has been acquired," rasped the mech's pilot.

Shepard gritted her teeth. He wasn't going anywhere near the female. Not on her watch. "Hang on, guys. We got this."

She risked peeking out to do a rapid-fire breakdown of the mech's weaknesses. Manoeuvrable for a thing of its size, but not the paragon of speed; there was a delay between each shot, and the pilot's rear view was one giant blind spot.

That gave her an idea.

She slithered to the very edge of their cover, adjusting her rifle's ammo settings to cryo mode. "Alenko, Vakarian, get ready to hit that thing with a double overload."

"Shepard, what are you doing?" Kaidan hissed, but he held his position.

"Giving him someone else to dance with." She flung herself out into the open and sprinted in a wide circle, showering the mech's windshield with a volley of ice-laced bullets.

It worked. Presented with a visible target that could shoot back, the mech's upper body rotated to keep her in its crosshairs. Its gun powered up, and she dropped to her feet and rolled to cover behind a low wall. A rocket whistled through the air where she just was and flew over the side of the building—far away from Mordin and the female, as was part her plan.

Garrus and Kaidan used the diversion to fire two near simultaneous overloads at the mech's flank, and a blinding flash burst from it, signifying the demise of its shields. Shepard broke cover to shoot at the mech, crouching back down when it fired another rocket at her, seemingly intent on obliterating her first. It struck her hiding place and the wall shuddered, barely holding together. In its battered state, it wouldn't withstand another hit.

She inwardly cussed out the layers of armour that made defeating this thing so difficult. That new trick of Kaidan's might come in handy, and she was about to dish out orders to use it. As though he read her mind, Kaidan threw his arm out to cast reave, which ripped through the armour, weakening it. Multiple rounds from everybody on the floor finished the mech off; sparks and smoke billowed from the main body as it broke apart, then exploded, leaving behind a blazing mound of metal.

The female's pod was gone too, having reached the landing pad at the tail end of the battle. Triumphant, Shepard got up and shaded her eyes from the brightness of the flames. "Just like the good old days with Saren."

"You and I remember hunting Saren very differently," Kaidan deadpanned.

Garrus chuckled. "What, that mech didn't remind you of a geth colossus?"

"Looks clear from here," said Wrex. "I'm coming in now."

With the adrenaline wearing off, her rifle felt heavier all of a sudden. She re-attached it to its slot on her back, wiped the sweat from her brow and rotated her arms, ignoring how the tendons in her bad shoulder crunched. She was winded, but not so much that she'd keel over—a definite sign her body was on the mend. Slowly.

A final sweep of the area confirmed every Cerberus hostile had been neutralized, so she shifted her priorities to her squad's welfare. Mordin was unhurt, and he broke out of the containment unit with Garrus' help. Kaidan, meanwhile, had gravitated to the centre of the floor and stared off into space, his mouth set in an angry line.

Shepard was at his side in no time. "Kaidan," she said, dropping the formalities. "You all right?"

His frown deepened. "Feels like we spend more time fighting Cerberus than we do the Reapers."

"It does," she agreed. She took in the blast marks on the walls, the destroyed mech and Cerberus bodies, the stench of burnt flesh and smoke in her nose. She hoped STG didn't have too many casualties. "They're planning something. We haven't seen the last of them."

She hated not knowing what the Illusive Man was up to, hated that he always seemed to be two steps ahead of her. Thinking back, he'd played the same stupid game during their so-called alliance; the difference now was that he'd quit pretending to be her friend. Destroying the Collector base had been cathartic, but felt less and less of a victory as time wore on. Her actions hadn't dented the Illusive Man's resources in any way, as evidenced by the carnage around them.

Her best revenge was to stay alive; ruin his schemes to indirectly rub in his failure to have her killed.

"Don't let it get to you." She bumped her fist against his upper arm. "They didn't get the female. We won this round."

"Yeah, well, we make a pretty good team," Kaidan said, gaze lingering where she touched him.

"The best." She couldn't recall a time they'd been otherwise. Even during their estrangement, they'd somehow cooperated. Their skillset complemented one another, and at their sharpest they often coordinated their attacks without the need for verbal communication.

As they left to rendezvous with Wrex on the landing pad, a traitorous part of her brain checked it off as another point in Kaidan's favour. In hers. Theirs.

* * *

Kaidan was headed to the starboard observation deck to unwind when he bumped into Wrex, who had been grumbling to himself about salarian doctors.

"If you're looking for Shepard, she's in the med bay," said Wrex, and nudged him in the ribs before plodding past him.

He didn't know what the deal was with Wrex, but his comment triggered a spark of panic in him, and he eyeballed the med bay entrance. Should he? He didn't want to come across as a nag. Shepard hadn't taken any wounds that he'd seen, although she'd been bent at the waist slightly from fatigue; for all he knew, she could have aggravated an old injury. Spurred by the possibility, Kaidan barged into the med bay without a second thought.

Inside, three pairs of eyes flicked to him.

He'd forgotten about the extra passengers they'd picked up from the base. Mordin hovered next to the sink, an array of lab equipment set up in front of him, and the female krogan—Eve, as Mordin had dubbed her since they didn't know her real name—sat on one bed with her arms wrapped around knees drawn up to her chest. Shepard herself was seated in an identical position on the bed across from her.

After he fumbled wordlessly for a moment, Shepard asked him, "Are your migraines bothering you?"

She basically handed him the perfect excuse for his awkward entrance that he chose not to use. "Not this time. I ran into Wrex and he mentioned you were here."

"Routine check-up. It's part of the deal for getting out of the hospital early." His doubt must have shown through because Shepard pulled a face at him. "I'm fine, Kaidan. Really."

"Overprotective males are something our species have in common." Eve's eyes gleamed over her veil at his expense.

"Wrex is overprotective?" Kaidan asked partly to deflect her attention away from himself.

"He's obnoxious," said Eve without any real bite. "But he means well."

"So does Kaidan." Shepard put her head down on her knees and looked at him sideways, a pose he found oddly endearing and so unlike a commander. "We were just chatting. Chakwas finished with me ages ago."

"Yes, too busy with Cerberus earlier. Plenty of time to talk now," Mordin said.

Shepard straightened up, swinging her legs over the side of the bed. "Kaidan Alenko, meet Mordin Solus. Mordin was the third person I recruited to take on the Collectors."

"Alenko." Mordin tapped his chin. "Have heard that name somewhere before."

"Maybe you heard it from a news vid," Shepard suggested.

"No, no, rarely watch news. Too much irrelevant data. Memory of name not recent either." Kaidan had an unpleasant idea of where this was going, and Mordin's sudden recollection as he turned to him confirmed it. "Ah! Alliance soldier targeted by Collectors, didn't have protection from seeker swarms like ground team. Your survival fortuitous."

 _Here we go again_. Would he ever live down Horizon? It had a nasty habit of cropping up over and over in some form—a consequence of meeting Shepard's old squadmates, he supposed.

"We wouldn't have made it past the swarms without you, Mordin. Same goes for curing the genophage," said Shepard. She did that a lot lately, steering conversations away from that part of their lives.

"Not curing anything yet. Prefer to let Eve recover fully first. My medical recommendation."

Eve, who had been content to listen up to this point, broke in, "My people don't have time for that!"

"Her opinion… somewhat different," stated Mordin, unfazed by her outburst.

Kaidan couldn't resist smirking at Shepard. "This is familiar."

"I have no clue what you're talking about," she answered flatly.

"Will take precautions before synthesizing cure. Needless risk to your life unacceptable," Mordin said to Eve. "My patient, my responsibility."

"That, and Wrex would kill you," Eve replied, her tone dead serious.

And while he knew he shouldn't, Kaidan could relate to Wrex's paranoia. Just a little.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

From the moment Shepard returned to active duty, the pressure was on for her to secure the alliance that would be Earth and Palaven's salvation from the Reapers.

Ever since Chakwas declared her fully healed some time after Sur'Kesh, she'd taken it as license to push herself harder and faster, especially after Victus's son died disabling a centuries old turian bomb on Tuchanka. She led the operation to drive Cerberus off another part of the planet, and flew them around the galaxy salvaging whatever artefacts and supplies they could find, to be dropped off at the Citadel for those who needed them.

There were the casualty reports too—the numbers for a single day were horrific; a week's worth was staggering. Anderson, by some miracle, wasn't among them, the one bright spot in a constant stream of bad news. He managed to contact the Normandy, and his wasn't the only communication from Earth to get through.

Kaidan did what he could as XO to ease the burden on Shepard. His job was simple, to know what went on in the ship in terms of logistics and maintenance. The rapport he'd built with the crew proved invaluable because it made them that much better at flagging minor issues to him in a timely manner. It was a good day when he could resolve a problem before Shepard heard about it, and reduce it to a mere bullet point in the daily reports he filed.

He and Shepard were so busy as of late that any discussion about _them_ was put on hold. They'd struck a delicate balance in their day-to-day interactions, but Kaidan wondered how much longer he could uphold his end of it. It might have been easier to stay detached if his feelings were one-sided, except they weren't.

Her feelings for him were tentative, hidden under the surface, but they were there.

His old self would have rejected it as wishful thinking, but he'd changed a lot since then, having learned the hard way to not be ruled by fear and to trust his gut. Near the beginning of their reunion on the Citadel, he hadn't been too clear whether Shepard still felt as deeply for him as he did for her. Weeks of serving with her secured his conviction that she did, through the increased frequency in which her eyes strayed to him, or the small gestures—like her fist bump on Sur'Kesh—that slipped in while talking to him.

What to do about it, though? He'd promised to give her time. That much was still his intention, but something was holding her back. She might have concluded mutual feelings weren't always enough, although she hadn't told him so to his face. He was no mind reader, however intimate he was with her character, so after they dealt with the genophage, he planned to find a way to bring it up and ask her.

* * *

The krogan had been a mighty people once. In the suffocating darkness of the underground ruins he, Liara and Shepard had fallen into, the proof jumped out at Kaidan from wall paintings and statues visible by the light of his rifle. After groping through the ruins for what felt like hours, they emerged into the light, where more evidence greeted them in the form of ancient buildings that would have required technical ingenuity to construct them.

Kaidan had always been wary about meddling in issues that predated humanity's entry onto the galactic scene, preferring to leave them to the Council. Becoming a representative of theirs, sanctioned to do as he saw fit, made him no less cautious. He'd chosen to trust Shepard's judgement on curing the genophage, and seeing firsthand the krogans' wretched living conditions on their homeworld convinced him they were doing the right thing.

They gathered outside the ruins of an arena with Mordin, Eve and Wrex, and beheld the Reaper blocking the Shroud tower.

Liara was grim. "We don't have a plan for this."

"Can't say I'm a big fan of our odds," Kaidan admitted. Their previous plan to work in tandem with a turian airstrike was compromised, and without it they couldn't get to the tower without being vaporized.

Not that it dissuaded Wrex. He was determined to have the cure released, Reaper or no Reaper. Eve proposed activating the maw hammers inside the ruins to summon Kalros, the mother of all thresher maws, to occupy the Reaper long enough for Mordin to finish synthesizing the cure in a nearby lab. It was a risky strategy. Insane. And it was the best they had on short notice.

"We went through the relay on Ilos and survived. We can do this," said Shepard.

Kaidan recognized that look, the one that announced she came this far and a Reaper wasn't going to stop her. It was fiercely beautiful, and it boosted his courage in the face of their low odds.

No sooner did they split up than his group ran into a mob of brutes, forcing Kaidan to break out every skill in the book: he tore apart armour with reave, conjured barriers, biotically threw rocks, dodge rolled, all the while reloading thermal clips at a frenetic rate. As Shepard broke off from the battlefield to turn on the first hammer, a particularly vicious brute tried to bring its claw down on his head; his last minute barrier rippled from the blow, and a spike of pain pierced his skull. He retaliated in kind, dropping his barrier to crack the butt of his rifle into the space between his opponent's eyes.

Half a dozen brutes lay dead around him, with one remaining in front of the stairs to the second maw hammer. His implant couldn't take much more, his ammo almost depleted, but he braced himself anyway for one more bout.

Shepard beat him to it, firing off a few cryo rounds at the brute from a distance; provoked, it lowered its head and barrelled at her. She let out a feral yell as she charged in a burst of blue light too fast for Kaidan's eye to follow, and a noise like thunder whiplashed through the ruins when the two collided. Neither got knocked back, but they halted in their charges, momentarily stunned. Shepard regained her senses faster, dispatching the brute with multiple well-placed bullets.

By the time he and Liara converged on Shepard at the maw hammer, she'd activated the switch. Through the hammers' rhythmic pounding, the Reaper's screeching as it turned this way and that, Kaidan became hyper attuned to his surroundings—to his own rapid heartbeat, to the twitch in Liara's preferred hand for biotics, to Shepard holding herself as rigid as possible.

He heard it first—an ear splitting roar followed by the ground shuddering beneath him. In the distance, rocks and dirt were thrown up into the sky as a serpentine body undulated toward the Reaper.

Shepard whirled on them and pointed urgently in the direction they came from.

"Go! Get back to the truck. I'll take care of the cure!"

Kaidan didn't move, a thrill of déjà vu trapping him in place.

 _Go! Get to the escape pods. I'll take care of Joker!_

The Reaper shot at the thresher maw, the sounds disturbingly similar to the Collectors' fatal strikes on the SR1. Just like before, he saw Shepard, as if in slow motion, turn from him to sprint headlong into the line of fire. She ran from one pillar to the next; his heart lurched when the errant Reaper beam skimmed by her, singeing the heels of her feet. Her speed didn't falter despite the close call, and she continued her mad dash through no man's land, possibly to her death.

He'd obeyed her last time, left her behind without looking back, and it had been the biggest mistake of his life. He thought of the regret, anger and agony from losing her. Faced with the prospect of going back to that endless void, Kaidan snapped out of his stupor.

He wouldn't repeat that mistake. Never again. He outranked Shepard; he didn't have to follow her orders to the letter. He tuned out the voice in his mind that whispered how he conveniently chose now to pull rank.

As Kaidan began to run after her, Kalros burst free from the ground and lunged at the Reaper, latching onto it with her mandibles. She was double the size of the maw they'd fought on Edolus, and they'd been in the Mako at the time. Had they driven it here, the sturdy old vehicle would have been useless against the behemoth above him, for even the Reaper struggled with her.

His military training alone enabled him to curb his awe and terror and keep on running.

Kalros' tail slapped down, destroying half the ruins in a single hit. Luckily not the half he was in, but Kaidan lost his footing and pitched forward onto his knees, the tremors so strong that getting up was pointless. He crawled to cover behind an ancient wall, though it was pitiful protection from the two titans grappling for supremacy overhead.

He'd lost all his bearings; didn't know where Shepard and Liara were, if they were dead or alive, and the quaking jarred every bone in his body. He used the Shroud as a frame of reference to reorient himself, facing it in time to see Shepard leap across a collapsed portion of the walkway connected to the entrance.

The Reaper swung Kalros around in a circle, and the two swerved far too close to the Shroud. A shift from either in the wrong direction would crush Shepard to a bloody pulp, but they veered away from her, locked in a stalemate until Kalros withdrew into the ground and re-emerged outside her adversary's field of vision. She tackled the Reaper, wrapping her body around it in a vicelike grip before dragging it underground with her. They didn't resurface.

Only when the quakes ceased did Kaidan creep out from cover, awestruck by the scene he just witnessed. It had taken a fleet to beat Sovereign whereas a thresher maw crushed that Reaper like it would lesser prey, in half the time. And Shepard—he tilted his head back in sheer relief when he saw her disappear into the tower.

With the main threat removed, there was no reason for him to chase after her anymore. Mordin had been confident he could bypass the sabotage to the Shroud, but a sick feeling of foreboding snaked through Kaidan. The turians hadn't been above planting a bomb in secret to supplement the salarians' sabotage. What if other traps awaited them, or more enemies showed up to try and stop them? So he posted himself at the break in the walkway, where he'd have an unobstructed view of the tower and be within range to react to the slightest sign of trouble. He'd wait there until Shepard and Mordin were out safe.

He perceived someone coming up behind him, craned his neck to see who it was and felt another weight lift off of him. Liara. Her clothes were coated with dust, but she looked unharmed.

She laid a hand on his shoulder. "Major, Shepard ordered us—"

"You go. I'm staying here."

Liara took in the stubborn set of his jaw and didn't press the issue. She decided to stay as well, taking up a position further back from the edge. Kaidan didn't know how much time elapsed, if the wait lasted five minutes or twenty, before a rumble echoed from within the Shroud.

Kaidan took an unconscious step toward it. "What was that?"

"I think the tower got hit when the Reaper and Kalros were fighting. It could have been destabilized..." Liara trailed off, uncertain.

A second blast twice as loud as the first rang out, paired with the creaking of metal under stress. He was about to rush in heedless of the risk when Shepard came jogging out.

Mordin wasn't with her.

She clambered over the fractured pieces of the walkway, but the ledge Kaidan stood on was too high to run up normally, forcing her to climb it. The timeworn rock crumbled under her toes as she neared the top, and Kaidan bent down to grab her by the elbows. She gripped his forearms in turn, allowing him to yank her up, and she clung to him well after she was steady on her feet.

A reprimand for ignoring her orders never came. She squeezed his forearms and raised her head to look up at him, her eyes dull with grief. It pierced him like a blunt knife to the chest, and he squeezed back to convey his support.

He didn't ask about Mordin; the explosions inside and Shepard's emotional state spoke for themselves. They hadn't been friends, but Kaidan had grown to respect Mordin in the short span they'd been acquainted, and he bowed his head in sadness for the eccentric, brilliant scientist wouldn't live to see his work pay off.

The tip of the Shroud erupted in a glorious display of light, luring their gazes to it. If not for the sacrifice involved, Kaidan would have called the light show dazzling. The cure rode along the dancing currents into Tuchanka's atmosphere, and particles soon tumbled from the clouds like glowing snowflakes. Shepard slid one of her elbows out from his grip to hold a hand out to the flurries. Two particles fluttered into her outstretched palm and faded upon touchdown, as fleeting as a happy memory.

When the Shroud's rumbling resumed in earnest, she drew away from him to lead the trek back to the truck and Kaidan followed with a heavy heart. As he and Liara filed into the confines of the truck, Shepard wavered at the rear to snatch one last view of the weakening structure that had become Mordin's grave. Just before the door shut behind her, he glimpsed the tower collapse on itself.

After the silent ride back to the starting point, Shepard was in and out of meetings non-stop. She met with Wrex and Eve on Tuchanka, Hackett over the QEC, and Victus in the war room. Kaidan attended the last one, and he could tell Shepard was tapping into the last of her energy reserves to appear strong for the primarch. Her posture was stiff like she was trying too hard to keep her spine straight, and shadows lurked under her eyes. Garrus, also present, was the only other person in the room who would've picked up on it.

"You kept your end of the bargain, and now I'll keep mine. The Turian Hierarchy will stand with humanity against the Reapers," said Victus. He and Shepard sealed it a handshake, and Victus extended his hand to Kaidan too, which he shook without hesitation.

Everything he and Shepard had done so far led up to this historic moment, and Kaidan felt a surreal sense of accomplishment. Victus also offered to provide extra resources for the Prothean device, dubbed the Crucible, and assigned Garrus to coordinate. It was a breakthrough for all parties involved, but it also meant Victus would no longer be travelling with them.

As soon as he departed, Shepard's frame sagged and Kaidan exchanged concerned glances with Garrus.

Garrus was sombre as he drew near her. "I'll start managing turian support right away, Shepard. You must be exhausted. Mordin dying… it can't be easy."

"I'll sleep when I'm dead," she mumbled.

It discomfited Kaidan to hear her say that, because she actually had been dead at one point.

"We both know you need a clear head to win the war. There's no room for mistakes here. You should catch some shut-eye," Garrus replied, and Kaidan silently pleaded with her to listen to him. Then, to lighten the mood, Garrus said, "We'll make sure Joker doesn't launch any suicide missions."

Shepard's mouth quirked. It didn't last long. "Anything happens…"

"We'll let you know," said Kaidan.

She looked at him in appreciation, seeming about to speak, but reconsidered. As Kaidan watched her leave, he was optimistic that between him, Garrus and their other friends, the ship could get by without her for one night while she took her well-earned sleep uninterrupted.

* * *

Shepard surfaced from the dregs of another nightmare, among other unpleasant sensations. Her arm was numb from lying on top of it, her feet dangled off the edge of the bed, and she strained her brain to recall how she'd wound up in such a strange sleeping position. She hadn't gone to bed so much as thrown herself on top of the blankets without bothering to change, and she was paying for it with a sore neck.

She sat up, shivering. The temperature in her quarters was normal, so the chill came from within. Specifically, from routine impressions of an alien forest, of being hampered by gravity, with one key difference: Mordin had joined the chorus of the dead.

She was being ridiculous. By all accounts she'd scored a victory with minimal fatalities, and Wrex and his people were more than entitled to a celebration. Tuchanka was a success, no arguments.

They'd called Virmire a success too.

Her thoughts were too frenzied for her to resume her sleep cycle, disrupted before it reached its midpoint. She contemplated switching on her terminal to do some work, but her wakefulness was the unrested, unproductive type, and her cabin offered no other diversions due to her minimalist leanings. What she needed was a change of scenery.

She tramped down to the starboard observation deck, choosing it for its view away from the planet below. Most of the lights were off inside, and the window became the centre of her narrowed focus as she walked up to it and pressed her forehead and palms against the cool glass. The starscape was rather soothing, and her racing mind slowed to a jog.

"Shepard?"

Startled, she swung around, her restlessness making her extra jumpy.

"Oh, Kaidan. I didn't see you there," she said, embarrassed. She must have been really out of it to miss him sitting in plain view on one of the couches. "I didn't mean intrude."

She started to flee, but Kaidan grabbed her wrist. "You don't have to go."

His fingers were hot on her skin, and Shepard was thankful the semi-darkness hid her blush. Twice in one day they'd latched onto one another in some form, as though they'd skipped a step without her awareness. She hadn't been thinking straight when she initiated the earlier instance outside the Shroud, and she hadn't realized until much later that he'd been there against her orders. Furthermore, she couldn't even pretend to be annoyed about it; likewise with discovering he already occupied her chosen observation deck. He welcomed her companionship at this ungodly hour, and she found the reverse was true too.

"I won't," she said.

He released her wrist and she settled next to him on the couch, leaving a small gap between them. He hadn't changed out of his fatigues, she noticed, which meant he never went to bed.

"You're up late," she ventured.

"I was thinking about stuff."

"Such as?"

"The war. Earth," said Kaidan, tracing circles on his thigh with his index finger. "To tell you truth, it's always on the back of my mind."

Sympathy for him stirred inside her. They were all affected by the invasion, but crewmembers that were born and grew up on Earth, like James, had taken it the hardest. Kaidan was in the same boat as the rest of them, and though he hadn't said a word about it since he joined her crew, it had to have been soul crushing for him to witness the devastation of his hometown, powerless to stop it. She knew what it was like to lose a home that way.

"Have you heard from your parents?" she asked.

He smiled. "They're alive. I got a message from my mom before we went down to Tuchanka. They made it to the orchard they own in the Okanagan, and Dad reported for duty."

"That's a relief," said Shepard. "Is it safe on that part of the continent?"

"For now. The worst of the fighting is further west around Vancouver." Kaidan's smile faded. "It's where they sent my dad."

No wonder he couldn't be at peace. The harsh reality was that the resistance on Earth fought a losing battle. Anderson was perpetually on the move to evade the Reapers, and those who took up arms—be they civilian or ex-military—were as good as signing their own death warrants, but what was the alternative? Hide and pray the enemy didn't find them? She imagined Kaidan had already run through the myriad disasters that could take place on the front lines, and she wasn't about to suggest more.

"I bet it's a load off his shoulders, knowing you're not dead."

"Not knowing would have killed him," he agreed.

"Exactly."

He studied her, eyebrows furrowed. "What about you? Weren't you supposed to be sleeping?"

"I was. Couldn't stay asleep."

"Bad dream?"

She didn't have the energy to deny or make light of it. "The same dream since we left Earth."

Shepard was aware of Kaidan looking at her, but he wouldn't urge her to talk before she was ready. His quiet patience, more than anything, was what compelled her to elaborate.

"It's no Prothean vision, but it's close. I see and hear people who have died. The people who aren't dead yet, the Reapers kill. I can't run fast enough to save anyone, and it always ends with me dying too," she said haltingly, and Kaidan drew in a sharp breath. "It hasn't been as bad lately. Some nights I'm too wiped out to dream. Tonight was probably more vivid because of Mordin."

"What happened to him isn't on you."

"I get that, I really do." She'd weighed the what-ifs and knew she'd done everything she could. The blame lay with that Reaper for creating a no-win situation. "I didn't order him to his death. He volunteered, and he went out a hero. It's just..."

Leaning in, he asked in hushed tones, "What is it?"

She threw aside the last of her inhibitions and took the plunge. "Awhile back I told you how I thought we wouldn't survive the suicide mission. But we made it, all of us. I didn't lose a single person on my squad. Now Mordin's the first to die, on top of everyone else I've lost so far."

"The part that scares me," she murmured, "is that he won't be the last. The losses keep piling up, Kaidan, and there's only so many times I can tell myself they died doing their duty before it rings false."

Her shivering resumed in earnest and her vision blurred at the edges, but she couldn't cry. Her grief was beyond tears, icy numb and magnified by exhaustion. She couldn't bear to reveal that _he_ perished over and over in her nightmares too.

Kaidan scooted closer and put an arm around her. She stilled at the contact, then surrendered to it, curling up against him. His body heat warmed her, helped centre her, and already her melancholy seemed a distant thing, no longer threatening to crush her. Replacing it was the realization that her old fears were meaningless next to the fear of wasting her second chance with him. They couldn't undo the past nor predict the future, but he was here now, loving and supportive, and that was what mattered.

She shifted to look up at him, catching his attention. A long intense moment passed as they got lost in each other's eyes, and her hand moved of its own accord to caress the rough stubble on his cheek.

"Shepard," whispered Kaidan, his voice husky with emotion, his eyes smoldering with desire, and underneath it all was his need to ensure she accepted him in spite of everything.

"I want this. Us," she said fervently. "We could die tomorrow, and if that's all the time we have left, I'd rather spend it together with the person I love. With you."

"Stasia," he breathed.

His use of her first name was his affirmation, the trigger to opening the floodgates. She drew his face nearer and locked her lips with his, and a sweet ache burned in her heart when he tightened his arm around her, combing his free hand through her hair.

This was perfect.

Eventually they broke the kiss, but not the spell it cast. Kaidan's expression was aglow with happiness, mirroring her own, and for the rest of the night she cuddled with him, gazing out at the stars.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

Shepard was finalizing her report on Aralakh Company and the clone rachni queen when the doors to her quarters swished open. She purposely didn't turn to the footfalls behind her, and strong hands came to rest on her waist. She felt a kiss on her neck, sending a tingle of pleasure down her spine.

Kaidan's voice tickled her ear. "You wanted to see me?"

She shut her eyes to savour his closeness. To think she nearly gave him up—she could laugh about it in retrospect, but for a while she'd been her own worst obstacle, more potent than Cerberus or death itself. She treasured every scrap of downtime together that they could get, because even with the krogan and turians as allies, their work was far from over. In this instance, she hadn't called Kaidan up for social reasons.

She put her datapad down, whirled around and leaned back against her desk. "You've dealt with Udina more than I have recently. What's your read on him?" she said without preamble.

"Udina?" Kaidan's face puckered with dislike. "I always thought he was a jerk."

She hid her amusement. "Okay, his winning personality aside."

"Honestly, I wouldn't trust him to have your back. He cares more about his image than doing what's right, and he'd toss you out the airlock the second you stop being useful to him."

On that count, Shepard agreed with him. The man had sold her out once before to further his political agenda. She wouldn't put it past him to do it again, though Kaidan's uncharacteristic venom startled her. Had Udina done something to offend him while she'd been out of commission?

Kaidan drifted over to the fish tank, one hand on his hip while the other rubbed at his neck. He appeared to be digging deep for a compliment as well, which was more kindness than Udina merited, in her opinion. "I'll give him this, though: he does have humanity's best interests at heart." He looked over at her. "Why do you ask?"

"I had an interesting chat with Valern on vid-comm," Shepard replied. "He found out Udina's been transferring a lot of credits out of Council reserves."

"What for?"

"He's not sure yet. He asked me to review the evidence with him when we get to the Citadel."

"It wouldn't be the first time a politician's skimmed money for vacations and parties," said Kaidan.

She breathed out heavily. "I hope that's all it is."

"You think it's more than that?"

Shepard pushed off from her desk and walked about as she speculated aloud. "Udina never struck me as the type of guy to binge on pleasure cruises. If he's playing with that kind of money, it's for something big and we're not going to like it. Best case scenario, he's working under some misguided notion that he can steal Council funds for Earth."

"Whatever he's up to, you'll get to the bottom of it." He grasped her shoulders gently to bring her close to him. "After that, the crew gets a break. The _whole_ crew," he said pointedly.

"Taking charge again, are you?" she teased, embracing him. "Any other orders?"

A playful grin from Kaidan. "We're getting out of here for a bit. You and me."

"I have no objections to that." An outing, just the two of them—the idea enticed her, and they were overdue for it. Their last excursion together had been their weeklong shore leave after Saren's defeat, on the Sunshine Coast in British Columbia. They couldn't run off for a week in the current state of things, but twenty-four hours off the ship, of going out as a normal couple, would suffice.

When the Normandy sailed into Citadel space, grandiose plans for their stopover formulated in her head: a visit to Huerta to check on Thane and Dr. Michel, her meeting with Valern, some deliveries, and then her long-awaited break with Kaidan, in that order. Her exact plans with Kaidan were hazy, but neither of them were fussy people, and as she entered the cockpit, she considered dispensing with the itineraries and winging it.

Consumed by these thoughts, a shameful amount of time ticked away before she caught on to Joker's sly look.

"You've got that glow about you, Commander," Joker said, stroking his chin.

"Glow," said Shepard blandly.

"Yep, and it's blinding. Kaidan's got it too. Coincidence?"

His meaning wasn't difficult to decipher. Joker, and most likely the rest of their friends, knew about her and Kaidan. They didn't broadcast their renewed relationship to the crew, but they didn't hide it either, so someone was bound to comment on it. Not much of a shock that Joker would be the first, and Shepard had a reply lined up just for him.

"Funny you mention it, since you're radioactive whenever EDI's around."

Joker tugged at his hat and rotated his chair, suddenly extra attentive to his duties. EDI's platform was absent from the cockpit today, not that it helped him. As the ship's AI, she could have been eavesdropping the entire time. From what Shepard gathered in her chats with her, EDI reciprocated Joker's interest, and what the pair needed next was a nudge, disguised as an errand they could do together on the Citadel by order of their commander.

Oblivious to Shepard's scheming, Joker commenced the docking procedure. "Alliance Control, this is SSV Normandy. Are we clear to descend?"

He traded puzzled looks with her when no one responded. It wasn't like the traffic controllers to delay. They never delayed.

She forced down her unease as he repeated his hail. "Alliance Control, this is Normandy. We're headed to Bay 14, Zakera Ward. Are we clear to descend?"

No answer.

"What the hell's going on down there?" said Joker, panicking now. "Even if there were a station malfunction, they'd have backups online. I got a bad feeling here. Checking emergency channels." He scrolled through a panel on his dashboard, speaking into it when he connected to someone. "Hey, yeah, this is Joker... uh-huh... yeah, no kidding." He peered around his chair at Shepard. "Commander, there's a communication from Thane. He says it's important. I think you'll want to hear this."

"Put him through," she said, her unease expanding tenfold under the tight lid she kept on it.

Thane's voice, static-filled and barely audible, filtered into the cockpit. "Shepard, the Citadel is under attack. Cerberus troops are everywhere and they're in control of the docks."

"Are you safe?" she asked, her brain flying into red alert. Since when did Cerberus have the means and audacity to invade the Citadel, the last real place of refuge from the war?

"No, I had to evade their commandos at the hospital. I'm in a Presidium storefront."

Another worry occurred to her, far bigger than any one person. "Do you know where the Council is?"

"No," Thane said, but she couldn't be too disappointed. It had been a long shot anyway. "I'm going to C-Sec headquarters."

"Why C-Sec headquarters?"

"It's been compromised, and C-Sec's response depends on it. As long as Cerberus is holding the headquarters, they have the station."

Her next move was obvious; Thane was a master fighter, but he was ill and couldn't take on an army by himself. He needed backup, and she needed access to the systems inside to launch a counterattack and locate the Council quicker than a manual search by shuttle.

"All right, Joker, get us away from the docks and close to C-Sec HQ. We'll deploy in the shuttle."

"Aye aye, Commander."

* * *

She hurtled through Shalmar Plaza as only rage could drive her, gunning down any trooper, phantom and Atlas mech that challenged her. Garrus was methodical in his kills, landing a head shot every time, and Kaidan's calm demeanour belied the cold fury in his attacks. Of the three of them, she and Kaidan had the biggest investment in the battle—if not because of their oaths as Spectres, then because the mastermind of the assault was Udina, the traitorous son of a bitch. He'd betrayed the Alliance, betrayed the Council. How ironic that he should commit the very crime she'd once been accused of.

 _We still have time_ , Shepard chanted to herself as they hitched a ride atop one of the elevators and ascended at high speed. Time for Thane to get his stab wound treated, and for her to overtake the Council on the shuttle pad before that sword-wielding assassin did. Bailey had detected vital signs are on their transponders, so they were alive, but ignorant to the danger they were in.

Kaidan was almost shouting to make himself heard over the air currents in the shaft. "Someone else must be with the councillors. I doubt they would've made it up there on their own."

"Let's hope they're on our side," said Garrus.

"I'm not banking on it," Shepard said. She checked the thermal clip in her pistol. "Stay sharp. They could be a Cerberus agent."

Garrus aimed his rifle upward. "There's our friend," he said, and sniped the power conduits beneath the assassin's elevator, cheering when it plunged. "Good riddance!"

"Nice shot!" she complimented him, but she couldn't depend on the fall to kill their new adversary. He was too persistent, too resourceful, for that.

Kaidan's yell alerted her to the Council's elevator further up the shaft. "Shepard, we've got incoming!" They were gaining on it fast, and within seconds they'd be level with it.

"I see them. Jump!"

She went first, landing on top with a thump, rolling sideways to avoid the gunfire that ripped through the roof. The Council's elevator braked after the others jumped, the force of it unbalancing her. Knees bent for stability, Shepard shot the bolts in the hatch, kicked it open and dropped down inside to find it empty. Undeterred, she hustled through the corridor out onto the shuttle pad. As Kaidan hacked the door closed with his omni-tool, she took stock of the flaming wreck of a shuttle, the councillors—Sparatus, Tevos and Udina—paused in the middle of running back to the elevator, and leading them was Jondum Bau.

The salarian Spectre's presence blindsided her and vice versa, yet part of her was cautiously reassured. She'd partnered up with Bau once to foil a rogue hanar. More importantly, he'd believed her about the Reapers.

"Commander Shepard, what are you doing here?" Bau's stance slackened somewhat and the muzzle of his gun lowered to the floor, but he didn't move aside.

"Shepard's blocking our escape. She's with Cerberus!" said Udina.

It took every ounce of self-control she possessed to not to shoot the hypocritical bastard right then and there. He aimed to discredit her, and the infuriating part was that he might actually succeed. Bau was sworn to protect the Council, and had no reason on this occasion to trust her over any of its members. To Sparatus and Tevos, her and Garrus' previous stint with Cerberus lent credence to Udina's lie. But Kaidan's record was immaculate; they knew it was. As the one who handpicked him to be a Spectre, even Udina would be hard-pressed to dispute it.

She threw it down like a gauntlet, though she felt slimy about singling Kaidan out. "What about Major Alenko? Are you going to make up bullshit about how he's with Cerberus too?"

Udina looked stumped for a comeback, and Shepard thought she might have gained the upper hand until he sneered.

"Please, everyone knows what kind of influence you have on him."

Kaidan stiffened beside her, and Shepard's cheeks flushed with embarrassment and anger. How dare he throw their relationship back in their faces? How dare he insinuate that Kaidan's judgement was compromised, that he was incapable of thinking for himself? Everything they'd gone through together, reduced to snide innuendo. She was so angry that she couldn't speak.

"You disappoint me, Major, throwing your lot in with Shepard," Udina went on. "Think about your career."

"I know where my loyalties lie," Kaidan retorted.

Bau's head swivelled from side to side during their heated exchange. Shepard didn't fault him for his confusion; he was an outsider swept up in a confrontation he didn't understand, and she'd worsened it by allowing Udina's taunts to distract her. Time to take control of the situation before he derailed it any further.

"Bau, this whole thing is a set-up. Udina's behind this attack; Councillor Valern confirmed it."

It could have been Valern's name, or her frank explanation for why she was there that stuck out to him. Rather than scoff at her, Bau regarded her seriously, mulling over her allegations.

Udina swaggered forward. "That's your proof? The word of a dead councillor?" In his smugness, he made a slip of the tongue that Shepard was quick to exploit.

"What makes you think he's dead?" she said coolly.

"Indeed," said Bau, squinting at Udina. She'd won him over, or close to it, but his turnabout didn't mean much if she couldn't persuade the other councillors too.

"There are Cerberus troops in the elevator shaft behind us," she informed them, gesturing furiously at the locked door. "If you open that door, they'll kill you all."

Softly at first, then with more volume and certainty, Tevos said, "We've mistrusted Shepard before, and it did not help us."

"We don't have time to debate this," asserted Udina, as if he was above their suspicion and his word was law. "We're dead if we stay out here. I'm overriding the lock."

He brushed past Sparatus and Tevos, making a beeline for the console next to the destroyed shuttle. Teeth bared, Shepard closed in on him, her squadmates at her side, and Bau made no move to stop her. In fact, he rounded on him too, weapon raised. "Not so fast, Udina."

Be it arrogance or denial, Udina's reaction wasn't to admit defeat. He huffed, seemingly unperturbed by the guns trained on him, and carried on to the console. "To hell with this."

Tevos, of all people, engaged him, reaching him in three strides and taking hold of his forearm. There was a blur of movement—Shepard spotted Udina whipping out a concealed object—and Tevos screamed. In the next instant, before Shepard could react, Udina had the asari councillor in a chokehold, a gun jammed to her head.

"Commander, drop your weapon and get Alenko to undo the lock," Udina ordered. "Do it, or she dies."

"So Cerberus can kill her later? Forget it." She levelled her pistol at him, but Tevos was of similar height to Udina—the perfect shield for him. No one had a clear shot.

"Don't be absurd. You wouldn't sacrifice hundreds of human lives to save the Council, only to let one of them die."

"Would you like to test that theory?" She gauged the threat level, noting that for all his bravado, Udina was out of his depth. Beads of sweat glistened on his brow. He held his gun like an amateur; doubtful he ever used it before this. "You've read about Torfan, how I operate. I worked with the very terrorists helping you now. If you won't come quietly, don't assume a hostage will protect you from me."

"The door!" cried Sparatus.

Without removing Udina from her sights, Shepard chanced a look behind her. Their time was up; she saw the telltale glow of a blowtorch between the doors. Kaidan switched up his position to cover her, as did Garrus and Bau, but they were still in a bad spot. They couldn't defuse a hostage situation, fight an unknown number of Cerberus troops and shield two defenseless councillors at the same time. She preferred not to wound Tevos to get to Udina, but in the heat of the moment, she couldn't see any other means to remove his leverage. Then, she'd envelop herself and the councillors in a barrier, improvise from there…

When the doors opened, her desperate ploy became unnecessary.

"Bailey," said Kaidan, astounded.

"Made it as fast as we could," Bailey began, but the standoff before him dissuaded him from saying more.

If Bailey and his team were here, that meant one thing. "Your friends aren't coming. It's over," she called to Udina, whose sneer crumpled into dismay.

Kaidan was composed as he retook his place beside Shepard, the counterpoint to her hardline style. "Udina, she's offering you a way out. You should take it."

"Damn you, Shepard," Udina hissed, spittle flying from his mouth. His eyes were bloodshot with hatred, the gun trembling in his sweaty grip. He was agitated and increasingly unstable—a cornered man whose only options were to let his hostage go, or be killed. Shepard primed herself to act if he showed the slightest sign of harming Tevos, but Udina snapped his gun to _her_ instead. In doing so, he leaned out to the side, exposing enough mass to provide a target, sealing his fate.

Shepard pulled the trigger before he could get off a shot.

Her bullet tore through Udina's temple, spraying the side of Tevos' face with blood. Unbalanced by her abrupt release from his hold, Tevos shrieked as she fell onto her hands and knees. Bau ran ahead to help her up, and Bailey's officers poured in after him to form a protective circle around Sparatus. Even with Udina sprawled on the ground and leaking blood from the hole in his skull, Shepard couldn't feel at ease yet. The assassin had been as skilled as Thane in his prime, and she thought it odd that he and his entourage hadn't showed up. "Cerberus was targeting the Council. Where did their soldiers go?" she asked.

"They were right here, but they beat feet into the keeper tunnels when they figured out we were coming," said Bailey proudly before addressing the would-be victims. "I'll say it plain, Councillors. Shepard just saved the lot of you."

"Yes, she did," said Tevos, visibly shaken, leaning on Bau's elbow and wiping the blood from her cheek.

"You have saved my life twice now, Shepard. I owe you a personal debt and one on behalf of Palaven," Sparatus put in.

 _About time!_ she thought. She'd put up with their superiority complexes, their refusal to act on her warnings, from day one. She wanted to yell at them, but the tirade she'd been building up to melted in her throat at their heartfelt gratitude. This display of humility was strange new territory, and she puzzled over how to navigate it. One thing was for sure: she didn't collect debts for doing her job. Best to concentrate on that.

Schooling her features into polite neutral, she said, "You don't owe me a thing, Councillors. Times like this, we all stand together."

Sparatus folded his hands behind him and Tevos examined her feet, both appearing suitably chastised. Maybe it would stick and they'd show more faith in her from here on out.

Bau and C-Sec escorted them to the exit, and Bailey barked out orders to the officers left on the scene. "All right, people. Principals are evacuated. We got a tunnel and a million more places to secure. Move it."

"Any qualms I had about your history with Cerberus have been put to rest," Bau muttered to Shepard as an aside. "Until next time, Commander."

She echoed the sentiment. "Until next time."

There wasn't much else for her to do here. The councillors had Bau to guard them, and C-Sec could secure the shuttle pad without her. As she tapped into her comm to summon the Kodiak to their location, she observed Bailey inspecting Udina's body for hidden traps. Her temper flared when she thought of how it all transpired, how Udina had struck a low blow, mocking her about Kaidan in front of everyone, and she vowed not to let it affect her more than it already had.

* * *

Thane didn't make it.

Bailey's men got him to the front line at the hospital and Kolyat, sporting flesh wounds slathered in medi-gel to show for his participation in the Citadel's defense, donated as much blood as he could. These measures were adequate for a regular patient, but the stab wound was fatal in Thane's condition, and his health deteriorated rapidly. Shepard had just finished updating Hackett on the situation when she received the call, and she was out the airlock in a flash.

Hours later, she roamed the Presidium, passing by clean-up crews and C-Sec officers performing security sweeps, the image of Thane's passing vivid in her mind's eye. His loss felt different in a way that she couldn't describe—she was sad, but also… relieved? What was wrong with her? When she thought about it more, it was because of his terminal illness. She was so used to people being ripped away from her without warning that a deviation from this theme in her life, this anticipatory grief, confused her. With Thane, she'd had ample time to reconcile his death and say good-bye, and he hadn't suffered or been alone. She and Kolyat had been at his bedside as he drew his last breath with a serenity that she couldn't dream of emulating.

Her wanderings brought her to Apollo's, a small restaurant overlooking the Presidium and one of the first places to be back in business after the attack. A salarian waiter was sweeping debris when she arrived, and he plied her with a table, menu and not-so-subtle hints to buy as much food and drinks as she wanted. She selected one of the lighter items, an asari tea reputed to soothe the nerves. In between sips, she rotated the cup on its saucer with her hands, lost in thought until a shadow fell over her table.

"There you are." It was Kaidan. Few others could raise her spirits just by being there.

"Were you looking for me? You could have pinged me on my omni-tool," said Shepard.

"Actually, I was taking a walk to clear my head. But I've got no complaints about finding you here." He claimed the seat across from her. "How's your friend? Thane, was it?"

Her face fell and she picked at her cuticles. "It was too late for him. He was already dying before any of this happened, and getting hurt sped up the process."

"I'm sorry. He seemed like a good man."

"That he was. Wise, too. He encouraged me to talk to you when we were going through that rough patch." She reached out to intertwine her fingers with Kaidan's. _This_ was how she'd honour Thane's memory, holding on to the people she cared about, living life to the fullest, as he had.

Kaidan smiled, and then looked around. More customers had trickled into Apollo's since Shepard's arrival. "I can't believe this place re-opened already," he said, guessing correctly that she'd be all right and was up for less depressing talk.

"People are hungriest after a crisis." She fingered the waiter bustling between tables. "His words, not mine."

"He might be onto something, because I'm starving. How about we order in?"

Her stomach growled, demanding to be fed. "I'm game," she said, and set the timer on her omni-tool with a dramatic flourish. "Break time starts early."

Right after they agreed on it, the waiter snuck a menu to Kaidan and removed her empty teacup as he strolled by. Shepard was half-convinced by then that he spied on her table in hopes of getting more business from her, and so far he'd been rewarded. Kaidan had his eye on the steak sandwich, which sounded appetizing to her too until she located it on her copy of the menu, and her eyes popped.

"Wow, talk about overpriced." An understatement—the steak sandwich was by far the most expensive entree on the menu; the cost of dealing with cut off supply chains from Earth. "I don't mind scaling back."

Kaidan made a choked noise somewhere between a chuckle and a groan. "Stop worrying about the money and let me treat you."

Never one to cave in gracefully, she quipped, "It's our funeral. Who knows how they got the meat… or where?"

"Heh. For a taste of home, I'll risk it."

The waiter reappeared, and after they ordered their food and drinks, Kaidan slouched in his chair, arms crossed.

"Hell of a day," he said. "We almost lose the Citadel and we're down a councillor who turned out to be a traitor."

"Would have been nice to get some answers." Shepard made no apologies for killing Udina, but a great deal of whys lingered in the wake of his demise, plus the loss of potential intel about Cerberus.

"You and me both. We're facing total annihilation from the Reapers, and he allies with Cerberus to stage a coup. Was it about power, or did he genuinely believe in their cause? He was fanatical about humans' place in the galaxy, but plotting against the Council? That's a big leap."

"I gave him a chance to save his own skin. He should've known that pointing a gun at an Alliance soldier amounted to suicide."

"He knew," said Kaidan, and his eyes darkened. "He just didn't care so long as he took you with him."

"Or it was too much for his ego to handle, rotting in a jail cell and facing justice from non-humans. Same outcome—we don't have to hear any more of his crap," said Shepard, more impassioned than she intended.

She didn't mean for that last part to come out, and she cringed when Kaidan looked her in the eye, searching.

"You're angry about what Udina said," he stated.

"He said a lot of things. You'll have to be more specific."

Kaidan wasn't fooled and spelled it out for her. "You know, about us."

"Yeah, I'm angry," she conceded, pounding her fist on the table. "I'm tired of people using you against me, or dragging your name through the mud because of me. They all did it—the Collectors, the Illusive Man, Udina."

"Stasia," he said, and a swell of delight coursed through her. She loved it when he called her by her given name; he'd revived his old habit of using it whenever they were off-duty. "I'm willing to take those risks. You would be too if it was the other way around. You don't scare that easily, and neither do I."

She laughed. Of course he didn't, and she wouldn't have it any other way. "Don't get me wrong. You're not going anywhere."

"Wasn't planning on it."

"You're in too deep to back out anyway. You're stuck with me," Shepard said, only half-teasing.

Grinning, he picked up her hand, holding it to his face and kissing her palm. "Always."

 **The End**

* * *

That's all, folks! After this point, _The Passing Stars_ timeline is identical to canon except for some altered dialogue in a couple of cut scenes. I might write them as drabbles; we'll see. Otherwise, this story would turn into a straight novelization of _ME3_ , which wasn't my intent when I set out to write it.

Special thanks goes to the creator of the mod that inspired this story, and to all of you guys for reading and commenting!


	9. Drabbles

I was debating whether to write these scenes since they aren't essential to the premise and they're not drastically different from canon. On the other hand, the games themselves have variant dialogue to reflect different events, so I thought, "Okay, why not?"

* * *

 **Drabbles**

Normandy: News from Earth

Kaidan stood right up against the window, face buried in his forearm, omni-tool aglow at his side with his mother's message displayed. His head slid down, freeing up his eyes to re-read it for the tenth time before he de-activated his omni-tool.

It was what he had feared ever since he learned of his father's return to active duty, and they couldn't even hold a proper funeral. Reaper beams disintegrated everything in their path, and on the off chance a body lay intact in a ditch somewhere, it was too dangerous to search for and retrieve it. Dead wasn't how Kaidan wished to imagine his father; he wanted to have him as he had been in life—proud, stern at times, but a constant pillar of strength.

He heard the doors open, and he knew from her confident march that it was Shepard coming to check up on him. She had noticed his abrupt change in mood that morning, but Kaidan had put it off when she asked about it. "Later," he'd said, for they had been about to meet with the quarian admirals and—though they hadn't known it at the time—reunite with Tali.

"It all seems so calm from here, but people are going through hell in a million different ways... out there," he heard himself say as Shepard came up to him. "And I want to be fighting alongside them, but..." He peeled his forehead away from his arm to look at her. "I want to be here, you know?"

"Sure. Thinking of anyone specific?" she asked. The strain in her voice told him she had an inkling of whom he was talking about. He had, after all, discussed it with her before in this very room, on a different night when things had felt less hopeless.

"I heard from my mom, Stasia. My dad is, um... he's MIA. He's presumed..." Kaidan couldn't say it.

What was the last thing he'd said to his father? A quick message to let his parents know he was alive and that he loved them. And further back, when they last talked in person, an ordinary conversation about his father's plans to plant a new type of fruit tree at the orchard. No deep, meaningful speeches. No final good-byes.

"Do you want to talk about it?" whispered Shepard. She was standing so close to him now that he could feel the warmth radiating from her.

Staring out the window, Kaidan recited the few details available to him.

"His squad was doing a hit-and-run when they found civilians hiding in the area. They got as many people out as they could, but Dad… didn't make it back to the rendezvous point. That's what my mom was told. It's all we know, but it's, uh... it's enough. She's alone in this now. In all of this."

Being apart from his mother in her time of need pained him almost as much as his father's fate. His chest squeezed painfully and some irrational part of him—the part that had stayed with him since Vyrnnus—railed at him for his weakness. He was useless to the crew like this, moping when everybody else had lost someone to the war too. He buried his face in his forearm again.

Kaidan knew how this was supposed to work. Shepard would launch into a pep talk next; she excelled at those even though he was in no mood for platitudes. But she didn't say anything—she acted. She hugged him from behind, wrapping her arms around his middle and resting her head against his upper back and neck.

Her embrace broke his resolve to keep it together. In the next instant, his arm was soaked with tears as quiet sobs shuddered through his body. He cried for his parents, for Earth, for the innocent lives being snuffed out this very moment. All the while, Shepard clung to him, centring him, saving him from being pulled under the tide of his own grief. When he had no more tears left to shed, she let go of him as he turned around slowly, and she brushed the moisture from his face with the back of her hand.

"I don't know how you do it, Stasia, keeping it together like you do," Kaidan said hoarsely. "Or pretending to," he amended, recalling the times he'd seen her at her most vulnerable. For a man obsessed with self-control, he'd never been as adept as her at suppressing his emotions until he could release them in private.

"Years of practice." A faraway look crept into Shepard's eyes before she blinked it away. "And having someone to lean on."

He took her hands in his, running his thumbs over her knuckles. He would still mourn in the months to come, but he felt lighter at that moment because of her, enough to conceive a future without the Reapers. "You know, when this war is over, there's going to be one hell of a reunion party."

"Hell yeah."

"Dancing in the streets, hugging and crying. My mom's always wanted to travel off-planet. I think I'll take her," he reflected, his volume soft toward the end.

"I'll see to it that your dad's sacrifice counts for something, Kaidan," Shepard vowed.

God, he was so lucky to have her. "I know you will," he said, clasping her to him once more.

* * *

Thessia: The Illusive Man

Shepard eyed the holographic form of the man she hadn't seen since Mars. His cybernetic eyes glowed an eerier blue than usual, enhanced by the excessive brightness from the floating sphere projecting his image. She figured another confrontation with him was inevitable, but not here on Thessia. Not when the key to decisively ending the war was within her grasp.

"How did you find this place?" she demanded, reluctantly dropping her gun to her side. Liara and Kaidan did no such thing.

"The Archives," said the Illusive Man, and he sneered at Liara. "Or did your Shadow Broker miss that one?"

"Show yourself. I promise I won't miss," said Liara. Her eyes darted around the room, seeking out his hiding place, but Shepard knew she wouldn't find him. Wherever he was, the Illusive Man communicated with them from far beyond this system. He never crawled out of his lair to do anything himself, always leaving the dirty work to his operatives.

"Speaking of the Archives, Shepard," he said, paying no attention to Liara. "I'm impressed you survived our encounter there."

"It takes more than a synthetic to get rid of me." _You should know,_ she thought. _It's your upgrades that make me harder to kill._

"I invested billions to keep you alive. Eliminating you was hardly on the agenda, but I did warn you to stay out of my way. It's not my fault you failed to heed my warning." The Illusive Man passed through her as he approached the Catalyst, and Shepard tailed him, suspicious of his every movement. "Your recovery does have its advantages. You've helped uncover the key to subjugating the Reapers."

He stuck his hand inside the glowing ball of data. Holographic or not, his nearness to the Catalyst earned him a scowl from Shepard. "Or destroying them," she said.

He rounded on her. "Damn it, Shepard! Destroying the Reapers gains us nothing."

"How about peace?" she shot back.

"They're just trying to control us. Think about it." He paced before her, fuelled by zeal for his theory. "If they wanted all organic life destroyed, they could do it. There would be nothing left."

They could, and that was exactly why the Reapers needed to be destroyed. No species, no individual, should have that much power over the fate of others. "You've forgotten everything you stood for." _Not that you were ever a saint._ But he'd investigated the human colonists' disappearance when no one else would. "Cerberus was supposed to be humanity's sword, not a dagger in our back."

"Poetic, but as usual you miss the point. The world is more gray than you care to admit."

Shepard remembered Saren spouting similar nonsense to rationalize his actions, and she wasn't buying it from the Illusive Man either. "With the Prothean data in this beacon, I can end this conflict once and for all. You're either with me or against me. There's nothing gray about that."

"No, I suppose there isn't," said the Illusive Man, untroubled, then walked toward the assassin watching them from afar. "Leng, the commander has something I need. Please relieve her of it and then bring me the data."

His hologram faded out and the spherical projector flew into Leng's hand.

"Understood." Leng tucked the sphere into his belt and crouched in a fighting stance, monomolecular blade poised to strike.

As he flipped through the air and hurled an arc of biotic energy at her, Shepard blazed an electric blue to counter with an attack of her own.


End file.
